Another Story

It was the wonderful year of 2001. And that year's February mirrored the February's of years past, it filled the senses with anticipated romance.
That year's February 5 however, was too humid and warm to be anything romantic. At 9 am, expecting a cool breeze is like seeing a drizzle of rainbow colored water, yourself in a perfect alternate dimension, or a demi-god prince who has all the power to sweep you off the ground you stand on. Being the optimist, dreamer cum idealist that I am, I tried to expect all of it. I stood unmoving, waiting for the miracle to occur. And it did.
Let's not be silly. Of course there was no sea-fresh breeze, no shower of psychedelic water and no portal to show me my perfect universe either. But there he was. He stood right before my eyes. My demi-god prince who gave me yet another distinct definition for the word levitate.
I would tell myself, twenty-four months from that day: I have officially gone mad. Although I never did deny that fact, I just never thought I would be foolish enough for him.
Come to think of it, he was--is I mean--ordinary. He wore ordinary clothes, had an ordinary hairstyle, and had an ordinary gait. My vision tricked my heart I suppose. Or was it the other way around? It simply makes me miserable thinking how can it be that he had such an extraordinary effect on me?
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I stood there that fateful February day, with only two sentences in my mind: "Who is this man? Why am I scared that if I exhale, he will vanish forever?"
Well, I did exhale as nature commands that I should. He did not vanish though, well not in a snap. He did that in a slow fluid execution. One day, he turned his back on me and walked away. Funny how a growing blur can be potently painful.
I knew that was it, like some cartoon light bulb flashing, I knew that was it: the final nail to pierce my heart. In an instant, breathing became synonymous to numbness, alienation, despair. I forgot to smile sincerely, wholeheartedly, honestly. I forgot I was alive. I forgot that happiness was not him entirely.
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The first time I saw him, he seemed to be the potential summation of all my happiness. I shamelessly assumed he was the flesh of a promise of some great divine being. I was convinced. I saw beauty. His whole body spoke of confidence and of frank masculinity. His keenly chiseled face encased eyes of an unforgiving shade of brown and lips boasting of familiarity with ways.
Those lips smiled at me. I suppose he doesn't remember. Now I am thinking, the smile may not even be meant for me. That smile may just be a spillover from a pleasant thought. But I held on to that, for two years.
Stupid me.
====
Those two years were nothing short of a roller coaster ride. He was like dessert: soothing, delicious, wicked. Most of the time he was like chemotherapy: hard-core pain, and definitely not a guarantee of cure.
He drove me crazy.
He made me hang on.
But hanging on can be tiring. The sear of unwanted pain becomes a staple. Happy memories fade.
But then again, were they even at all happy?
====
Did I say he wore faded shirts all the time? I liked his red shirt much, the one that turned almost pink with time. I wondered then if he hangs on to his shirts as much as he can hang on to me.
Wishful thinking.
====
We never really got to know each other that well. Yards and meters of space were like an uncontrolled barrier. A great amount of time was spent just looking at each other. Words didn't seem important. It was so romantic.
It sucks big time now.
====
What stopped him?
What stopped me?
====
I want a cigarette. He will be the smoke. He will fade. I will still be here.
I just wonder, is he still there.
====
I have officially gone mad.
I am still waiting.
= = = alchemista bonita

closure is a convenient excuse to convince one's self of a lie. we keep on running away, claiming we've kept old shadows in a box hidden in that glass closet we always want to disown, and try not to look back, as if we can. for life is a circle, and for every step forward, aren't we getting closer to what we left behind? we love a melodrama that mirrors the failure of our own. how we put ourselves into a persona, often created by hypocrisy and conceit, brings relief from the ugliness of memory. truth is, we always dream to resurrect a past to redefine perfection.mask is what we make of our best countenance and we are the best of our false selves when in the limelight. pretension is the psychology that keeps us both sane and mundane. we were born insane and we live to believe that we aren't. truth is what we owe to ourselves!how can someone let go if old strains remind of a ghost or a shadow? there is memory, so can one dissociate the mind from the body? fear solitude, for silence can burst into pain.it is only proper to say thank you when it's all over!
- - sandman

When You Owe IT To Yourself To Let Go - - - Glenskie

It was the first time in months since you had more than eight hours of sleep. You remember cuddling yourself to dreamland last night right after dinner. It felt damn good to wake up at four in the morning - the sun wasn't in sight yet, the air was sorta chilly, and for the first time, the thought of rushing to school (late) or doing something to beat a deadline didn't occupy your mind upon waking up. It was the second week of September, and though the semester was drawing to a close, things were surprisingly stress-free.
You reached for a book you've been trying to finish for more than a couple of months now. It was a supposedly postmodern, gay novel with scandalous periwinkle blue covers and pictures of two middle-age guys cuddling. You're almost halfway through the book: now you read as the main character and his ex lied in their usual spoon position while listening to some music. Their spoon position.
You felt a sudden twitch of pain.
You remember you also had your usual spoon position. The few times you've slept over at his house, you'd sleep like this. Him hugging you from behind while you both enjoy cozy music from his computer. This was how you'd be positioned before saying your good night's and giving (and getting) your good night kisses. This was how you'd wake up, too - still in his arms, still with the music, still together.
Then Someone decided to join in on the fun. You heard your song being played out loud by your next-door neighbor. Who on earth would be playing such a sappy love song at five in the morning, your inner voice asked. And at this lovely moment too, you sarcastically added.
Unconsciously, you started feeling sad again. Although you'd convinced yourself several times that it wouldn't work, you just couldn't help but feel sorry for the failed relationship. You were pretty positive you made the right decision, and while weeks ago, you were already certain you'd moved on, it still came down to the fact that perhaps there's really no such thing as fully moving on. And that the closest you could get to it was being almost over that person.
Then you received a text message from the person who made it easier for you to let go. He showed you that although love wasn't constantly trouble-free, it doesn't have to be perpetually painful and difficult either. And quite importantly, he was willing to wait. You smiled and prepared to reach for the phone so you could call him up right away. You bookmarked the page where you stopped reading. The song from next door, meanwhile, got stuck.
Pirated, sheesh, you hissed.
The moment he picked up, even before saying hello, you cried, "Thank you!"
And you meant it absolutely.

There is perhaps a thin line between passion and insanity. He came into my life, that moment when I thought sadness was infinite. He was not exactly the guy who can command your attention just by gracing the room with his presence. But he certainly got my eye. He was quiet, as if subtly taking in every little detail his eyes saw. And he definitely had piercing eyes, too piercing; in fact, I thought he could have seen even the little most crevices of my sanity, and the passing of unspeakable passion.And he effortlessly filled that void, bereft of all hope, like a virus finding its way into the deepest recesses of my being. I once thought he was my salvation, the cornerstone of my destiny. He has made me embrace the inner beauty that life has to offer. For once, I thought I could actually give up everything that I have, and everything that I am. He gave credence to the banality of believing. He made every sunrise seem like a Da Vinci masterpiece. It’s crazy how he turned bitterness into a sweet memory. But I find it even crazier for him to fade so quietly into the realm of the unforgiving past. He was the present that never ventured into the future, the dawn that never made it to sunrise.It did not matter if he gave me smiles, or a motley crue of memorable adventures. I have no need for memories. I only have the present to rage against the onslaught of trepidation, and the future, only to be haunted by the unyielding past. I have had enough of the shadows, but I was powerless to stop the mist that slowly sipped into my veins. I had no choice but to give in to the tantrums of nothingness. I am but a victim of the whims of the universe.I saw him gradually fade into the realms of the unseen, but there was nothing I could do but to watch my world crumble down before me. Helplessness is a person’s greatest curse. After all, who was I to question the intentions of the unknown?I was told the crap of divine designs, of a more wonderful being destined for me, but I did not want to hear the same arguments on meeting someone better than this one. What good is a better person of divine designs, when my very soul screams for this man? I did not want anyone better. This is better.He showed me that sadness was not just infinite; it is actually the very soul of my existence. Come to think of it, there is after all a thin line between passion and insanity.

Matagal na rin akong ganito, mga ilang buwan na, naka-maskara, pilit nagpapanggap dahil sa mundong alam kong hindi ako maiintindihan. Lagi akong masaya, nakangiti na lang sa kung sinong anino ang dumaan… iyan ay kung may nakakakita nga sa akin. Magaling nga siguro akong umarte. Isipin mo, sa tagal ng pagpapanggap ko, walang ni isa man lang ang naghinalang marahil sa mga sandali ng aking pag-iisa ay umiiyak din ako. Bilib nga sila sa akin, paano, iniwanan na daw ako at pinaglaruan, nakatawa pa rin. Minsan, may nagtanong pa nga kung paano daw makalimot. Tinawanan ko lang, parang napaka-obvious ng sagot. Pero sa totoo, tinawanan ko dahil ako mismo, hindi ko alam. May ilan nang humanga sa 'kin, buti pa daw ako, nakapag-move-on na. Kung nakikita lang sana nila ako sa mga minsang sandaling ako lang mag-isa.Matagal na rin akong ganito, minsan nga nakaka-manhid na. Sige, bato nyo lang lahat sa akin! Na pinagpalit mo ako sa isang playboy na halos sampung taon ang tanda sa iyo dahil sa magaling siyang tumugtog ng gitara. Na palipat-lipat ka lang sa mga kotse sa walang hangganang pila ng mga drag racers kasama ang libreng toma at hatid-sundo sa bahay nyo. Na tubig mo na ang Red Horse habang hirap pa ako sa paghithit ng isang sigarilyo. Na wala na ako sa buhay mo habang ikaw pa rin ang nagpapatakbo ng mundo ko. Nakakainis isipin, ano? Kaya nga iniiwasan ko na lang isipin. Unti-unti, iniipon ko na lang ang lahat ng mga pabirong pintas nila sa pagiging tanga ko dahil iniisip pa rin kita. Nakakatawa nga, dun lang ako lumalaban kapag ikaw na ang iniinsulto nila. Sa lahat, yun ang hindi ko nakakayang tiisin. Laitin na nila ako’t pagtawanan, huwag lang ikaw ang mabastos (ganyan kalaki ang halaga mo sa akin, kahit na ba binasura mo na ako’t pinagtabuyan.) Kaya nga tuwing gabi na lamang, kung kelan mga munting hinga na lang ang naririnig ko, kung kelan wala ng makakapansin sa akin, doon ko hinuhubad ang maskara ko at umiiyak. Hindi ko nga ba alam. Basta sa mga sandaling iyon, doon lamang ako sumasaya ng lubusan. Yakap ang unang bigay mo pa sa akin, pilit kong binabalikan ang mga panahong nagkasama tayo. Iyong mga araw na nagkatabi tayong wala nang sinasabi, basta naka-upo na lang (di ba masaya na tayo nun?) Sa ganoon lang, ramdam ko nang mahal mo ako. Sa bawat patak ng luha, bumabalik ang mga simpleng tawanan, baduy na lambingan, at lahat ng mga kakornihang bagay na ginagawa natin dati. Sa bawat hikbi, pilit kong inaalala ang mga salitang sinabi mo sa 'kin. Sabi mo pa nga, hindi ka titigil sa pagmamahal. Alam mo, hanggang ngayon, sa bawat hikbi at patak ng luha ko, naininwala pa rin ako dun. At sa dahan-dahang pag-alis ng malay ko, dahan-dahan ko ding binubulong ang mga salitang gusto ko sanang iparinig sa iyo sa dalawang linggong hindi tayo nagkita bago mo kinalimutan ang dalawang taong pinagsamahan natin. Matagal na akong ganito, gusto ko nang makawala, nakakamanhid na eh. Pero paano nga ba kita malilimutan kung kahit saan man ako matingin, nakikita pa rin kita. Wala na akong nakausap na kaibigan natin dati na hindi ako tinatanong kung kumusta ka na. Paano nga ba kita makakalimutan kung larawan mo pa rin ang nakadikit sa locker ko? Kung messages mo pa rin ang nasa outbox ko? Kung gamit ko pa rin ang tasang regalo mo sa akin, ang T-shirt, ang mga panyo, ang unan ko? Paano nga ba kita malilimutan kung buwan-buwan na lang kitang sinusulatan sa mga papel na sinusunog ko rin kinabukasan? Minsan naisip ko kung nasaktan ka rin ba sa mga nangyari, kung umiiyak ka rin ba tulad ng pag-iyak ko, kung kahit paminsan-minsan man lang ay nadadalaw ko din ang isipan mo. Matagal na akong ganito, umiiyak sa likod ng aking maskara, panay ang hiling na sana’y mahal mo pa rin ako, pilit na kumakapit sa mga alaalang iniwan mo. Pero gusto ko na ring makawala, naaawa na rin ako sa sarili ko kung minsan. Nakakamanhid na. Ilang beses ko na nga bang pinangako sa sarili kong kakalimutan ka. Pero marahil, sa mga sandaling nag-iisa na lamang ako, kailangan ko lang talagang hubarin ang maskara, lumuha, at sumulat ng mga linyang tulad nito…

It was such a beautiful beginning for a love that would never be fulfilled. We started innocently enough – as friends. We talked day and night, exchanging witticisms and amusing comments on the ironies of life. You stimulated my interest, and pretty soon, you captured my heart. I used to laugh at couples who couldn’t get enough of each other, when I suddenly found myself reluctant to say goodnight after spending the whole day with you. I couldn’t sleep, wondering why tomorrow was taking so long. It was never like that for me before… I had to laugh at the irony of it all. I used to dream of a Prince Charming who would sweep me off my feet in a dazzling romance, but there I was – in love with a guy who, for all his eloquence, barely knew how to tell me he loved me. Didn’t you know? Each time you smiled, you were winning my trust. And every time you held my hand, you were touching my heart. In your arms, I was in danger of falling deeper, yet I knew I couldn’t be more secure. You reached me in a way nobody else has before, and you gave me faith in things I’ve never had the courage to believe. Still, I held back. What we had was wonderful, and it was so perfect, so absolutely perfect, that I was afraid to believe it could last forever. You asked me to stay, and I longed to say yes, but something was calling me to find another path, to discover what my dreams could become, to explore everything that I could be. I longed for adventure, for experience, for knowledge. Please understand that I loved you, but I couldn’t give you my self without fully knowing who I was. I had to be certain I was the person you believed me to be. And so I left to study in a world entirely different from ours. You came to say goodbye, and I couldn’t bring myself to ask you to wait. How could I possibly tie you down after you had set me free? And now, I return. I’ve learned enough to realize that what I had with you was love. And every time I look into your eyes, I know that I have lost it. What I haven’t learned is how to stop loving you, and how to stop being hurt because somebody else is spending forever in your embrace. You were the first to touch my heart, the first to win my trust, and the only one who could make eternity come true for me. You were also the first to show me how painful love can be, how it hurts, and how the wounds it caused will never truly heal. I’m sorry. I do not regret that I left; only that I hurt you, and that I couldn’t make you wait. Try to forgive me, and try to forget. Let me be the one who remembers, the one who keeps the memories alive. They are more than memories to me now, they are souvenirs of a love I know I will never again experience. I am leaving again soon. Perhaps in my search of where I belong I will discover happiness. And perhaps this time, I will find the reason and the courage to stay.

Breaking up with a person really is hard to bear. For all the people know, you loved that person very much, and even gave your time, affection, and your all for that person. But there is a limit and a time for us to get over these kinds of situations or feelings. That is when we let the world stop, sit and stare at a corner, and not take care of ourselves*tingin sa salamin* *hinga ng malalim* Tignan mo nga yang itsura mo! Tignan mo ang nangyari sa 'yo. Siguro mga dalawang kilo na ang nawala sa iyo dahil sa pagpapabaya mo sa sarili mo. Paano, lagi kang puyat, kung matulog pinakamaaga ang alas-dos. Eh pa'no ka ba naman tataba niyan? Tapos kapag gigising mahina ang alas-diyes. Ano ba naman kasi ang pinagkakaabalahan mo? Tapos hindi ka pa nagkaka-kain. Galit na galit na sa iyo ang nanay mo! Ika nga niya para kang manok na tumutuka sa pinggan. Hindi ka naman ganyan dati eh. Masiba ka, daig mo pa ang lalake kung kumain, pero anong nangyari? *inom ng alak* *tanaw sa labas ng bintana* Iniisip mo na naman yung lalake na yun ano? At bakit naman? Siya ba ang dahilan kung bakit nawalan ka ng gana sa kung anumang pinagkakaabalahan mo dati? Siya ba kung bakit lagi kang puyat at tanghali na kung magising? Bakit? Nakikita mo siya sa panaginip mo ano? Kaya ayaw mo ng gumising pa, kaya kahit hanggang hapon ka na sa higaan, ok lang sa iyo. Malamang doon nahahawakan mo siya, nayayakap at nahahalikan, tama di ba? Malamang isa pang dahilan lagi kang nagcha-chat ano? Inaabot ka ng umaga sa harap ng computer. Inaabangan mo kung sakali bang darating siya. Pinapaasa mo ang sarili mo sa wala. Tapos madi-disappoint ka lang kapag hindi siya dumating. Mawawala sa mood, magiging masungit sa kung sinumang kakausap sa iyo. *tingin uli sa salamin* Paano ka kaya babalik sa dati? Yung dating ikaw? Yung kalog, walang pakialam sa mundo, basta yung dating AKO na kilala ko. *hinga ng malalim* Di ba sabi mo sa sarili mo OK ka na? Na wala na siya sa buhay mo? Eh bakit parang hanggang ngayon nagdaramdam ka pa rin? Wag mong sabihing nangungulila ka? Nagpapatalo ka na naman sa puso mo eh! *tanaw sa labas ng bintana* *inom ng alak* Magkalayo kayo di ba? Kontinente ang layo niyo sa isa't-isa. Ano ka ba? Ang tanga-tanga mo naman kung umaasa ka pa na magkakabalikan kayo. Di ba takot kang umuwi ng 'Pinas? Takot kang makita siya uli ng harap-harapan? Eh bakit parang sabik na sabik kang umuwi? *Tingin sa salamin* Eh bakit ba naman kasi hanggang nagyon siya pa rin ang nasa isip mo? Di ba iniwan ka niya? Eh bakit hanggang ngayon mahal mo pa rin siya? *tanaw sa labas ng bintana* *inom uli ng alak* last shot na 'to Isipin mo ang sarili mo! Ipakita mo sa kanya na siya ang nawalan, hindi yung parang ikaw ang nawalan. Pakinggan mo ang utak mo huwag ang puso mo. May darating pa dyan, mas worthy kaysa sa kanya. *tingin uli sa salamin*

Hindi Na Lang Sana....Ano ba kasi pumasok sa kukote mo at naisipan mong guluhin ang maayos kong mundo? Nananahimik ako at kontento sa buhay na mag-isa lang ako, nagpumilit kang samahan ako. Ako naman si tanga nagpadala sa sinabi mong LOVE. Masyado akong natuwa sa dulot mong saya. Kung alam ko lang na magiging masakit ang kapalit ng sayang dala mo hindi ko na sana iniwan ang dati kong mundo. Ang mali ko lang din kasi pinaniwala ko ang sarili ko na totoo ka sa mga sinabi mo. Pinaasa ko rin ang sarili ko na tayo na "forever". Eh, noong panahon palang yon isa ka sa mga taong hindi naniniwala sa forever. Kaso lang hindi mo naman agad sinabi sa akin yon. Pinatagal mo pa ng halos dalawang taon. Ang masakit pa binigla mo ako. Wala ka man lang kaabug-abog iiwan mo na pala ako. Bakit mo naman ako iniwan sa ere? Hindi mo man lang ako binigyan ng panahong makapag-adjust ng paunti-unti. Sabi mo I have a strong personality, na kaya kong lagpasan ito. Sinabihan mo rin ako na kaya kong bumalik sa dating maayos kong mundo. Buti ka pa ang kalakasan na sabi mo ay nasa akin? Pwede ko bang malaman sayo kung saan pabalik sa buhay na dating alam ko? Pagkatapos ng nangyaring ito hindi na ako sigurado kung makakapagtiwala pa ako o kung kaya ko pa ring pagkatiwalaan ang sarili ko. Hindi ko din alam kung tatanggapin pa ako ng dating ako. Pero sabi nila "life must go on". Kaya kahit gaano kahirap, kahit gaano pa katagal siguro naman makakaya din kitang kalimutan. Dapat siguro magsimula na akong wag ka ng patuloy pang mahalin. Tama na ang panahong iginugol ko sa pagmamahal ng totoo sayo. Tama na rin ang pagpapakababang ginawa ko sa sarili ko. Dapat kayanin ko.... Bakit kasi ako pa ang napili mo? Hindi na lang sana.

Ang sarap ng in-love. Sa unang beses niyo mag-date tapos naramdaman niyo ang sinasabi nilang "spark" nako, magkaharap pa kayo naiisip mo na ang bukas Para matawagan mo na siya at maayang makipag-date ulit, pero sa susunod kayong dalawa na lang. Hindi ka mapakali pag wala siya sa tabi mo o hindi mo siya nakakausap sa isang araw, sigurado at sigurado tatawagan mo siya sa opisina, sa bahay at pag wala doon maglo-load ka sa cellphone mo at uubusuin ang 300 na prepaid sa loob ng isang tawag na wala naman ibang laman kundi bungisngis, kamustahan at kuento tungkol sa lahat ng sama ng loob mo sa mga ex mo. At ang goodbye sa telepono ay nde matapos-tapos, hindi niyo malaman kung sino ang unang magbababa at umaasa kang me "Take care" sa huli. Me email pa yan sa umaga para masabi mo sa kanya na masaya ka na nakapag-usap kayo.

Minsang gumimik kayo at upbeat ang sounds, hala! sayaw ka kahit parehong Kaliwa nag mga paa mo, pero gusto niyang sumayaw kaya sige sasayaw ka na rin. Kahit ilang mule, arctic at sub-zero ang orderin niya wala kang pakialam, mas mabuti nga kse nga puede mo na siyang akbayan at I-hug pag medio lasing na siya, pag hindi siya pumalag nako! score! para kang nasa langit. Malamang, matapos mo siyang ma-hug eh ayaw mo nang maligo at lagi mong naaalala ang scent ng pabango niya na me halong amoy alcohol na pero para sa yo mabango pa din siya. At siempre tuwing matapos kayong gumimik eh ayaw mo pa rin matapos ang gabi kaya hihirit ka pa ng coffee, kahit isandaan ang isang baso, "So what?!?" kamo, pera lang yan ang importante kasama mo siya.

Masaya ka rin pag na-traffic kayo kse makakapagkuentuhan pa kayo pauwi. Matiyaga mong inaral ang pagda-drive ng manual gamit lang ang isang kamay kse yun isa hawak yun kamay niya o nakadantay sa hita niya habang nagmamaneho ka. Araw-araw magmamakaawa ka na ihatid mo siya at kung puede ka rin niyang Ihatid pauwi, at kung lulusot baka pati lunch eh puede na rin na kayo ang maging lunchmates. Pag me free time ka eh nasa bookstore ka para nagtingin ng mga puedeng ibigay na greeting cards.

Nakalimutan mo na ang barkada mo, para sa yo malaking abala lang sila sa napakagandang lovelife mo kesehodang magtampo pa sila sa yo at magsolian na kayo ng kandila sa inaanak mo sa kanila. At kung aalis man kayo nde ka magkasya sa pagte-text lang sa lab mo, kelangan mong pumunta sa banyo para lang magkarinigan kayo pag tinawagan mo siya at sabihin na nde ka nag-eenjoy at mas gusto mo na siya ang kasama.

Pagdating ng weekend nako para kang intsik! alas dies pa lang ng umaga nasa kanila ka na at me dalang suhol na breakfast para sa nanay niyang nakasimangot dahil natutulog pa ang anak niya eh andun ka na. Pagdating ng gabi kahit antok na antok na siya eh ayaw mo pa ring umuwi, hinihintay mong makatulog siya sa mga bisig mo para makanakaw ka ulit ng kiss. Iniisip mo rin kung kelan ka kaya niya ipapakilala sa friends niya? ,p>Nung kayo na, lahat ng monthsary ice-celebrate niyo, me kasama pang surprise na regalo at date. At nde miminsan mong nabanggit na gusto mo na siyang Pakasalan at wala nang ibang babae sa puso at wala ka nang makikita na katulad niya.

AFTER ONE YEAR

Mahal ang gimik sa bar, mas maganda kung kakain na lang kayo sa Jollibee at manonood ng sine. Wag na kayo magkape, masyadong mahal with matching

comment na "Leche, me ginto ba yan?"

Mas gusto mo nang kasama barkada mo dahil "minsan" lang kayo magkita sa isang linggo.

Pgakahatid mo sa kanya, nagmamadali kang umuwi sa gabi dahil pagod ka na sa trabaho. Pumapasok at umuuwi na siya mag-isa dahil nde mo siya masusundo dahil puyat ka.

Syet! wag ka niyang pipiliting sumayaw at nakakahiya.

Anong tawag? Sa load mong 300, mauubos yun at 1 beses mo lang tinext against 245 na text niya sa yo) at 3 minutes mo siyang natawagan. Naubos ang load mo kakatawag sa mga barkada mo at kaka forward ng joke sa kanila.

Pag weekend mas gusto mong manood na lang ng TV o matulog. Pupunta ka lang pag tumawag na siya at nagmamakaawang dalawin mo naman siya at me suhol na ipinagluto ka niya. Kahit automatic na kotse mo nde mo pa rin makuhang hawakan ang kamay niya habang namamaneho ka.

Magastos ang mga monthsary, kung anniversary niyo nga eh wala kang regalo, monthsary pa?!?

Mag-uusap kayo? Baket me problema ba? Kung wala, isang oras kang manonood ng TV habang siya eh nakatutulog na kahihintay na kausapin mo siya.

Miss na niyang ini-email mo siya,sagot mo? "Jusko naman araw-araw na Tayong nag-uusap ano pa ba naman ang sasabihin ko sa yo? Baka gusto mo pa ng card?!?"

Pag aayain ka niya para gumimik with her friends ang sagot mo? "Utang na loob, kung gusto mong lumabas kasama friends mo ikaw na lang mag-isa at naiilang ako." Pero pag lalabas kayo with your friends umiinit ulo mo pag tahimik siya pag nagjo-joke sila tungkol sa inyo ng ex mo sabay tanong "Nde ka ba nag-eenjoy? Buiset, umuwi na nga lang tayo!" At tungkol naman sa kasal..."Jusko naman, nde mo ba ako maintindihan?!? Wala pa akong pera saka nde ko maiisip yan ngayon! Sana wag ka namang makulit."

Sa lahat ng ito, ngingiti na lang siya, iisipin lahat ng ginagawa mo noong nanliligaw ka pa malamang umaasa pa yun na babalik yun dati sabay buntung-hininga at sabi ng malakas..."Kay sarap ng in-love."

Hindi ko alam. Hindi mo naman kasi sinabi sa akin. Basta ang alam ko, minsan dumaan ka sa buhay ko. Nagpakita ka lang naman, nagparamdam. Pero sa sandaling panahong iyon, ang laki ng naging epekto mo sa buhay ko, ang laki ng impact. Kasi sa pagdating mo, tinuring din kitang parang isang makinang na bulalakaw, isang kometa sa kalawakan na minsanan lang kung dumaan pero marami ang namamangha. I am so sorry. Hindi ko kasi talaga alam. Kung sana sinabi mo sa akin, iba sana ang magiging sitwasyon ngayon. Or baka akala ko lang yun. A basta, ang alam ko, kahit gaano pa ako mag-rant ngayon wala ring mangyayari. For all I know nakatagpo ka na ng isa pang bulalakaw sa kalawakang ginagalawan mo. Kaya kahit anong gawin kong pag-asa, wala nang mangyayari. Gustuhin ko man, alam kong never na darating ang chance na masalo kita at maging akin ka. Hindi ko nga alam kung makikita pa ba kita. Ngayon ko lang napagtanto na totoo pala ang kasabihang 'saka mo lang malalaman ang kahalagahan ng isang bagay kung wala na sya sa 'yo'.

Pero salamat. Salamat kasi for once, kahit hindi mo sinabi, pinaramdam mo naman. Yun nga lang, pinaramdam mo sa maling paraan. Naalala ko pa noong senior high, tinawag mo akong 'easy girl'. Syempre nagalit ako. Tanga lang naman kasi ang pumapayag na tawaging ganoon. Syempre, hindi kita kinibuan for one month. Ang harsh ko nga eh. Kaya ayun, isang buwan ka ring nagmistulang asong susunud-sunod sa akin. Ang kulit mo nga eh. Hindi mo ako tinantanan hangga't hindi ko sinabing 'o sya, sige na, abswelto ka na'. Ang laki ng ngiti mo matapos nun. Talo mo pa ang nanalo ng milyones sa lotto.

Simula nun, palagi mo na akong pinatatawa. Hinahatid mo rin ako sa bahay lalo na kasi palagi akong ginagabi ng uwi galing ng school after ng CMT training natin. Pumupunta ka rin sa bahay kapag weekend. Naalala ko rin yung isang time, tinakot mong babasagin ang mukha ng isang manliligaw kong nangharass sa akin. Ang galing mo nga noon. Kahit payatot ka, nagawa mong syang sindakin. Syempre na-touch ako sa pagiging protective mo. Kaya inisip ko tuloy noon, siguro kaya mo nagawa ang mga bagay na iyon ay dahil gusto mong makabawi sa akin. Ayaw mo ring maglaro ako ng badminton. Baka daw masunog ako o di kaya ay madapa. Napagkamalan tuloy tayong may relasyon ng mga tsismosa at pakialamera nating teachers at schoolmates. Pati parents ko tinanong ako kung ano ka raw ba sa buhay ko. Syempre sinabi ko ang totoo, na magkaibigan lang tayo. Siguro nagsawa rin sila sa kakukulit sa akin kasi after a while tumigil na rin sila sa katatanong. Oo nga pala, muntik pa akong sabunutan ng may crush sa 'yo. Kasi daw inagaw kita sa kanya! Exagg talaga.

Pero alam mo, galit ako sa 'yo. Galit ako nung nalaman kong hindi mo ako pinaglaban, hindi ka nanindigan. Kaya tuloy naiisip ko, hindi ako worth ipaglaban. Bakit, kasalanan ko bang maging mag-bestfriend kayo ng Kuya ko kaya isang sabi lang nya, umurong na kaagad ang buntot mo? Kasalanan ko rin ba kung achiever ako kaya naintimidate ka sa akin? Naiinis ako sa 'yo. Kasi ikaw ang kauna-unahang taong nakapagpa-feel sa akin ng insecurity. Alam mo bang dahil sa 'yo, andami kong naging pagsisisi? Pinagsisihan ko ang pagiging 'prude' ko, ang pagiging smart, ang pagiging achiever, at ang pagiging younger sister ng bestfriend mo.

Pero ngayon alam ko na. Hindi ko dapat sisihin ang sarili ko. Kasi hindi naman ako ang sumuko, hindi ako ang bumitaw. Hanggang ngayon galit pa rin ako sa 'yo. Hindi lang dahil sa mga insecurities na dinulot mo sa akin kundi dahil na rin sa pagiging duwag mo.

Sa maikling panahong iyon, hindi mo siguro batid pero minahal kita. All you had to do was ask me. Sad to say, you never had the guts to do it. Aaminin ko ang totoo, nahihirapan akong mag-move on sa buhay ko kasi deep down, mahal pa rin kita. O ayan, nasabi ko na. But I guess I can never hear your side anymore.

Pero salamat. Salamat sa memories. Siguro maghahanap na lang ako ng kagaya mo. Pero ang hirap nun. Nag-iisa ka lang kasi. Kahit i-scour ko man ang buong kalawakan at mamulot ng remnants ng bulalakaw na pinakakagaya mo, malamang wala akong makitang katulad mo. Pero kung hindi talaga pwede, manunungkit na lang ako ng pinakamalapit na bituin. Isa lang ang sigurado: palagi akong titingala sa kalawakan. Kahit papaano, aasa pa rin akong makita kita kahit sa huling pagkakataon.

SOMEDAY I'LL BE OVER YOU

Bakit ba kailangan mangyari sa atin yung ganitong sitwasyon???? Natanong ko tuloy sa sarili ko kung pagsubok lang ba ito, para malaman natin kung gano natin kamahal yung taong minamahal natin o talagang kailangan mangyari ito para makatagpo tayo ng panibago… paano kung kumplikado yung sitwasyon???… Committed ka na ng makilala mo siya tapos nalaman mo na committed na rin pala siya..,anung gagawin mo?? may asawa na pala.. at yung pinakamasakit dun unti unti mong nararamdaman na hindi lang simpleng atraksiyon yung nararamdaman mo para sa kanya.. nandun na yung gusto mo lagi mo siya nakikita , nakakasama, nakaktext… pero hanggang saan??? Hanggang kailan??? Napakahirap ng ganitong sitwasyon… napakahirap dahil minsan naranasan ko na malagay sa ganitong sitwasyon… at promise hindi biro… kasi ganito yun… masaya naman ako sa lablayf ko.. lahat ng gusto ko binibigay ng boyfren ko..cellfone, load..damit..etc.. Anything that you could ask for..lalo na pag yung boyfren mo nasa banda dapat be proud di ba…dahil marami humahanga sa kanila.. im happy…pero dumating sa buhay ko yung “doubt” ng makilalala ko si “Mr.FEDEX”. Na kibiruan din ako sa kanila.. yun pala madedevelop ako.. Actually hindi siya kagwapuhan, “cute” lang pero he really makes me uncomfortable lalo na pag nasa paligid ko siya.. dati naman hindi ko siya pinapansin dahil yung kasamahan nya yung “crush” ko… pero dahil sa tuksuhan parang unti unti ay nadevelop yung feelings ko sa kanya.. alam mo yung pakiramdam ng isang teenager kapag nasa paligid yung crush nya.. Ganun.. ganun yung nararamdamn ko pag nakikita ko sya…The feeling is mutual pala.. pero hindi siya naglihim sa akin..may asawa siya but not married.. no kids.. lahat ng tungkol sa kanya pwera lang pangalan ng asawa nya.. Kulit noh.. may araw yung pagtitext namin.. monday to Friday hanggang 7 pm lang pag Saturday half day lang.. kahit ganun masaya ako kasi atleast kahit papaanu may time siya kahit konti para sa akin..we don’t talk much lalo na pag nasa opis.. siyempre iwas sa tsismis..lalo na may “asawa” na siya di ba, Hanggang matamis na ngitian, mahinang pag uusap.. konting biruan..araw araw na text na may kalakip na “care & love” dun siguro lalong nadevelop yung feelings namin sa isa’t isa. Kasi nga sabi nila kung anu yung bawal yun ang masarap..Minsan sinamahan nya ko sa bangko.. ang tugtog sa car stereo nya “kahit kailan” sabi nya para sa akin daw yun.. siyempre bukod sa kinikilig ako..nanlalamig pa ako.. siyempre kasama ko sya.. Sabi ko namn ang kanta ko sa kanya “maybe” kasi alam ko hindi pwede..kahit anung mangyari hindi talaga pwedeng maging kami..Pwede pala pero hindi dapat…Pero dumating yung time na may nagbiro sa amin, siyempre over denial.. ayaw mo pahalata eh…. Kahit hindi kami.. mahirap yung sitwasyon. tapos nag usap kami.. sabi nya “siguro kailangan na natin mag iwasan kasi baka masaktan lang tayo pareho..nag agree naman ako na iwas muna.. balik sa dati.. without knowing kung gaano kasakit yung susunod na mangyayari..after nung pag uusap namin.. hindi na kami nag pansinan..tiniis na wag mag text…hindi muna siya nagpakita.. hanggat makakaiwas ginawa nya.. believe me.. hindi ko nagagawa ng tama yung trabaho ko.. nakikita ko kasi siyang malungkot..pero sabi nga mahirap kalabanin ng puso..minsan hindi ako nakatiis dahil hindi siya nagpapakita sa akin.. lumabas ako ng opis.. alam ko makikita ko siya sa sasakyan nila, hindi siya pumapasok sa opis namin, tinanong ko siya kung kamusta na.. sabi nya “ito may nagpapasakit pa rin ng ulo ko” tapos tinitigan nya ko ng malalim..(I hate it pag tinititigan nya ako..para kasi akong matutunaw..na iinlove ako lalo..) masyado daw siya nahihirapan, ayaw nya daw akong mas lalong masaktan, kaya siya umiiwas..kasi sabi nya, ayaw niya ko mainvolve ng husto sa kanya.. tapos kakalimuatn ko din daw siya balang araw.. ngumiti ako sa kanya, sabi ko “ bakit hindi na lang natin ibalik yung dati” tumalikod na ako sa kanya dahil nag kakaiyakan na kami.. Pagtapos ng pag uusap na yun.. tinitext na nya ako.. pero hindi na kagaya ng dati na maraming sweetness.. nabawasan na yung care..hinahatid nya pa rin ako..pero nag karoon na ng space parang hindi na kagaya ng dati.. sabi ko sa kanya pwede bang “hayaan mo na lang akong mahalin ka, I know naman someday I’ll be over you” sabi nya naman “baka naman pagdating nung araw na makalimutan mo na ko, ako naman ang hindi makalimot sayo..” 2 weeks na kaming di nagkikita after naming mag usap, sa text lang kami nag kakabalitaan.. minsan hiniling ko sa kanya na magkita kami dahil miss ko na siya.. pero ala naman syang time.. Saturday tinext nya akong magkita daw kami sa Chapel, kaso ako naman ang hindi pwede dahil may sakit ako nun kaya hindi na talaga kami nagkita… December 18, Thursday.. nag text pa siya sa akin hanggang tanghali..masaya pa nga kaming nag bibiruan.. after nun hindi na nasundan.. hindi kasi siya umuuwi ng hindi nagtitext. siyempre tinitext ko siya kung bakit.. may nangyari ba sa kanya.. nagalit ba siya sa akin…lahat ng tanong natanong ko na sa kanya… pero walang sagot.. im trying to call him.. ring lang ng ring yung cell nya.. hindi nya sinasagot yung tawag ko.. naiiyak na lang pag naaalala ko siya.. sabi ko sa sarili ko.. “I let him go na lang kahit gaano kasakit..pero hindi ko pala kaya.. lumipas yung araw, wala akong natanggap na text o tawag mula sa kanya..Monday december 22, nung pumunta ako sa opis para magbigay ng report.. tinanong ko yung sarili ko anung una kong gagawin pag nagkita kami.. but… wala akong maisagot.. pagdating ko sa opis thankful ako masyado dahil wala yung sasakyan nila, it means wala siya.. pag pasok ko ng pinto lahat sila nakatingin sa akin.. including HIM, hindi ko alam kung tutuloy ba ako o hindi.. ang ginawa ko hindi muna ako tumuloy.. dun lang ako sa labas at humingi ako ng maraming lakas ng loob kay lord para pakiharapan SIYA. Hindi kami nagpapansinan, kahit alam kong gustong gusto kong tumakbo palayo..hindi ko magawa.. nakantiyawan tuloy siya ng ka opisina ko.. dumating lang daw ako, parang nalito na siya..dahil mali mali yung ginawa nya.. ngumiti lang ako.. pero may nakapansin na hindi kami nagkikibuan..tinanong kung mag kagalit daw ba kami, siyempre sabi ko hindi.. “busy kasi siya” yun na lang ang nasabi ko..pero nakita ko sa kanya kung gaano siya kalungkot..pero nanaig yung pride ko.. kaya hindi kami nag usap. hindi na rin ako nagtanong pa sa kanya.. Maybe mag kakaroon din ng time na malalalman ko din kung bakit siya biglang umiwas… huling text ko sa kanya Tuesday, December 23 sabi ko ito yung piunakamalungkot na pasko sa buhay ko.. at sana kung anu man yung dahilan nya bakit bigla siya umiwas.. sana malaman ko rin kahit papaano mabawasn yung sakit na nararamdaman ko. pag naaalala ko siya, hanggang ngayon naiiyak pa rin ako.. hanggang ngayon pakiramdam ko mahal ko pa rin siya..hanggang sa ngayon hindi ko pa rin siya nakakalimutan.. Sana man lang nga paalam na lang siya.. atleast kahit sa friendship lang kami mag end.. kaso hindi.. sa masakit na paraan nya pa ginawa yung pag iwas. Hindi ba masakit pag nangyari sa iyo yung ganitong sitwasyon.. hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar..kasi alam mong may masasaktan ka..alam mo hindi mo pwede ipaglaban yung nararamdaman mo, kasi alam mong mali…. Alam ko namang mali ako.. lalo na alam kong walang patutunguhan yung nararamdaman namin sa isa’t isa, kasi nga committed na kami pareho.Kaso anung gagawin ko.. mahal ko na siya.. Anung gagawin ko sa boyfriend ko?? Ayoko rin namang mawala siya sa akin?? Sana lang makalimutan ko na si “Mr. FEDEX”…Pero sa paanung paraan?? Sana give me some advice kung paano ba lumimot sa taong mahal na mahal mo….. Sana rin dumating na yung time na sinabi ko sa kanya na “SOMEDAY I’LL BE OVER YOU..”

Minsan nagtatanong tayo, bakit sa matagal na relasyon pero kailangan pa maghiwalay? Minsan naman makikita mo silang sweet.. tapos makikita mo the other day may kasama ng iba… anu nga ba ang dahilan? Bakit ganun? Maraming iba’t ibang rason bakit nagkakahiwalay yung dalawang tao….Kahit pa siguro mahal pa ng isa yung isa, there is no use kung patuloy kang magmamahal sa taong wala nang nararamdamn sa iyo.. lalo ka lang masasaktan kung ipipilit mo yung sarili mo sa taong yun…meron naman mahal ka nga nya, pero hindi naman na siya masaya sa relasyon nyo… kumbaga naghahanap ka na ng bagong happening sa buhay..kesa naman mag pretend ka na mahal mo pa yung tao,, maganda siguro kung maghiwalay na lang kayo ng maaga, mahirap naman kasi kung ang maramdaman mo sa kanya bandang huli ay awa…mas masakit yun sa part nya..ayaw mo syang iwan at masaktan dahil sa naaawa ka sa kanya.. di ba mas maganda kung iiwan na lang siya at leats kahit masakit sa part nyo pareho, you did the right thing. Magtatagal nga kayo hindi naman dahil mahal mo siya kundi naaawa ka sa kanya. Mas madalas na dahilan ng paghihiwalay is yung third party sa isang relasyon…siyempre napakasakit ng iwan ka dahil sa third party… lalo na mahal na mahal mo yung isang tao, tapos malalaman may iba syang boyfriend/girlfriend.. and the worst is iiwan ka nya dahil sa third party na yun..wala ka naman magagawa pag iniwan ka…ayos lang na iyakan mo siya, pero isang beses lang..kasi masyado siyang tanga para iwan ka.. wala na ring dahilan kung hahabulin mo pa sya.. magkakabalikan nga kayo.. pero palagi mong maiisip na lolokohin ka nya uli..Mahirap na kasi ibalik yung tiwalng sinira nya..kahit mahal mo pa yung isang tao, pero wala ka nang tiwala.. it’s useless di ba?? you have to let go kahit gaano mo pa siya kamahal darating din naman yung time na makaklimutan mo rin siya. Marami talagang dahilan bakit tayo iniiwan.. minsan hindi natin maintindihan… Basta kung mangyari man sa atin yung ganitong sitwasyon.. magpasalamat na lang tayo dahil naging bahagi nag buhay mo yung minahal mo..tsaka isipin mo na lang na may ibang plano si Lord para sa atin…You have to let go.. once you let go.. you must learn to accept.. forgive..forget..to move on.. just cherished those happy memories nung kayo pa…Be brave to face the consequences na darating sa buhay mo..Sigurado naman na makaktagpo ka rin nang taong “destined to love you forver.”

Never In Love

I'm into you. But I was never in love with you.

A smile was all it took for you to captivate my being. You smiled a lot; I noticed it the first time I saw you. I was not quite sure if you ever saw me, though. Since then, just a second of seeing your smile—whether it's up close or from afar, whether it's for me or not— was enough to keep me smiling the whole day. But I was never in love with you. I might've just been too carried away by that Close-up commercial.

Call it pathetic, but I tried following you around school just to find out about your schedule. Not only that, I tried to exhaust every possible source just to get some information about you—your student number (which I've already memorized by heart), your high school, stuff like that. Well, it wasn't such a hard task after all, considering that we belong to the same college and course. Knowing your schedule, I would no longer rely on that thing they call "fate" just to run into you; I would know when and where I could see you. I did all I could just to get to know about you, but you still remained one big mystery to me. To tell you frankly, this was the first time in my life that I did such a thing. But I was never in love with you. I was just trying to explore how it feels like to be a detective, just like in those books I loved to read.

Just to have a "close encounter" with you, I deliberately rode in the same jeep you were riding on your way home, even if it was out of my route. I was lucky enough to be able to sit next to you, and even luckier to get a slight touch of your hand when you were handing over your fare. I found out where you live, or at least where you usually go. I also observed that you had beautiful hands. When you picked up something I dropped, all I could say was "Thanks." As much as I wanted to look you in the eye when I said that word, I just couldn't. I felt my hands trembling, my heart racing. Yet, you had absolutely no idea what was really going on in my mind. I got off sooner than you did, afraid that I might get lost and not find my way home. Just like the detective act I pulled, this was the first time I ever followed someone to a jeep. But I was never in love with you. I was just trying to explore different routes to reach home.

This afternoon, I saw you somewhere near the AS gate (Yes, I knew you would be there at that time). You just passed by. Your eyes didn't even bother to take a look around and see this girl who's been worshipping you from afar. I can't blame you, for I admit that I'm no head turner. But if you could only see beneath these eyes, deep into this soul, maybe you wouldn't bother to take a second, or maybe even a third look. You might, indeed, see that I had always been into you.

But too bad, I was never in love with you… because I never had the chance to.

Forever Loved

I don't know why I loved you. I just remember I was born loving you, and have dedicated all my life trying to pursue the road I've always dreamed of, towards that old city where I'd find you. But like the dream, you're not there at the end.

Having bothered by the dream, desperately I tried to find you. I'm afraid when the time comes that I have set to approach you, you wouldn't be there. At last, there you are, in the province of Ontario. We talked, we chat, and I tried to show caring I never thought I could show any person. What am I doing? I am chasing life... my life.

Oh it's hard to write in tears, in deep emotion, troubled and hopeless.

You're getting married soon, or sooner... what has to become of me? Twenty-two years of dedication compared to eight years of an up-and-down relationship. My wish in life is to have one of those chances to carry you up that even once never came.

Was it my fault? I did send a message that one day I'll be with you but in the meantime, let's prioritize our job - to study. That was ten years ago. I never thought that you'd allow yourself to be taken into a relationship before you finish college. I also loved gazing at history that your mom got married at 28, and so was my dad - childhood friends. I tried to look at patterns and trust on you, I never take things easy, and I planned all along.

Now I don't have much time. All I am waiting is to hear the most painful news on my life and that's for you to take your vows. No matter how I tried to accept it, things have never been easy for me. I always end up crying most of the time, thinking of the possibilities of going back through time and teaching my young and stupid self to do my best protecting you... and loving you.

I am sorry I have failed in keeping your trust. Now you don't seem to read any more of my mails, it's been almost a year since we last talked. When you visited Manila last year I almost died, physically and emotionally. But then again, memories of you saved me. I'd like to see your smile... and I have decided to live just to see you one last time. I almost had it last year but you never even said that you were here. Your last mail to me was to let me know that "you might be closer than I think you are?" - sent after you returned to Toronto. Haven't you figured it out yet? Something in me is related to you. I know how far or near we are with each other, in dreams I could see you.

Darling I'm sorry but I can't give you this what I feel that your asking me to. I promised before, anything... but not you. I can't give you up. Never before... and never will.

Happiness

I remember waiting for my life to get easier. I thought, “When I have less problems, then I’ll be happy!”

Then I noticed something fascinating. The happiest people I knew had more problems than I did!

Maybe you have noticed the same thing - that people who seem to get the most out of life have often had it tough. They have lost loved ones, they’ve gone broke, they’ve suffered major illnesses – and most likely, they still have big problems! But they are happy because at some point they decided “happy” is the only way to live.

Happiness doesn’t just happen to you, like some “accident”. It is something you choose.

I was recently chatting on radio in Cleveland, Ohio, with a lady called Rena. Rena said to me, “I just got divorced, I am currently being sued, my house just burned down and now my doctors tell me that my cancer has returned for the third time.” But she said, “You know, amongst all this, I am happy!”

Rena was saying, “You don’t find happiness in the absence of problems, you find it in spite of your problems!” You choose it.

If you wake up saying, “I hope I have a good day, and then I'll be happy”, you never will be.

IN A NUTSHELL

You make the choice to be happy first. Happiness is a daily decision.

When you're mad, it is so easy to say things, to decide. Because you have all the guts to throw away that person, for good. But when that temporary emotion is gone and no longer lingers in your heart, you start to feel the real thing. Without any complications, you start to see through it all... that you still love him. Delete the word still. You really love him after all. That's my biggest problem. Saying things as if these are instant conclusions, when in fact, they are just products of my rotten emotions, things that pollute my system which tell me, forget him! You hate him! You don't love him! Sounds real, right? But when you look into the deepest part of your heart, you want to cry it out. You want to tell him, "Mahal naman kita e. 'Kaw lang e, lagi mo ako ginagalit." But think about it. Is that how easy you fling bad words to your loved ones when you are hurt? When you are controlled by your emotions, you exactly do the same thing I said. It's so easy to get mad, to tell hurting words, but when we are already in our right mind, we brood over what we've said. And we wish we had not been mad. My point is, why do we get mad? What is it that triggers this kind of pollutive emotion? Is is too much expectation? Is it our ego? Is it frustration? Or we just have to question ourselves if we really are in-love with our partners. I could not give an answer either, because when I get mad, I think dark thoughts that lead to hatred. But when I miss the person, I began to reconsider. I call it attachment sometimes, but why then I feel this way if I don't really love the person? Isn't it good to break free from his hold if he's no longer the love of your life? But why then you feel low without him in your life? Maybe that is what they call love. Will you think of what you feel, too? Maybe you can give me enlightenment about this thing. You are my life You are my life For in every day you are my sun And every night, my lullaby Yours are words that speak of beauty, Of sweetness, kindness and love You are my life And as you smile I live a day A day of joy and peace Shadows fade into the night And they are lost so far away You are my life And for you I shall always live Forever shall I sing and praise For from your love I now exist In eternal life of wondrous bliss Hindi na kita mahal Minahal kita ng buong puso ko Sagad-sagaran, hanggang buto Kulang na yata ay maglupasay Para lang hindi na tayo magkawalay. Pero anong ginawa mo? Sinaktan mo, binalewala mo Inapak-apakan ang puso kong Walang ginawa kundi magmahal sa'yo. Kung sakaling isang araw mauntog ka At mamalayan mong nag-iisa ka Na ang pinagpalit mo sa'kin Ay wala palang kuwenta kung tutuusin, Ito lang ang masasabi ko: "Sorry na lang pero pinili mo 'yan, Pagkatapos ng pagkatagal-tagal Sa totoo lang, HINDI NA KITA MAHAL.

Thank You

Thanks for the effort, even if I knew all along that you would not do it yourself. I really appreciate it. You like cheering me up sometimes, telling me there’s nothing to worry about the relationship, when it clearly shows that we’re both unhappy. I guess, as everyone would say, you can never teach an old dog new tricks. I always knew I could never change your personality, because that was how you were brought up and nobody has the right and even the capability to make you change your ways. I respect that. And if I cared about you enough, I should have long ago decided to accept you the way you are. I tried my best, but with our differences, I think we’re just not good enough for each other. I am so sorry for all the things I’ve done. I regret having done and said things that hurt you. I promise not to do all those again, because after four long years, I finally decided to let you go. I feel sorry about myself, because I failed in this relationship. But I know that in the end, I would appreciate myself for making this decision. because I managed to end the pain and heartache that only I was feeling. I ended the sacrifice of being taken for granted. I’ve thought about this a hundred times, and now I’m sure I’m not taking it back. I want you to be happy that’s why I finally decided to set you free. Go to wherever and whatever’s going to make you happy. You need to grow with other people. I’ve been so selfish and mean to you, and you never deserved it. I respect you as a person and as a friend. I’m grateful that I eventually learned what love really is. Even if it took me so long to decide, at least I learned when to hold on and when to let go. Thank you so much for everything. I learned a lot from you. You taught me so many things that made me grow stronger and more mature. This time, as a mature person would do, I’m not going to say goodbye. Even if we decide to part ways, I would still be there for you when you need me. I wouldn’t intend to burn bridges because saying goodbye to a friend is pointless. Now I want you to take the commitment off your mind. Play basketball and spend time with your friends as you normally would when I still wasn’t in your life. Spend enough time at work and go home when everyone else starts leaving. Don’t feel the pressure and tension of having a commitment with somebody. With your job, I also don’t think you could handle both at the same time. This is your time to do well in your career so make the most out of it. Live life as if every day was your last. All I want is for you to feel happiness inside your heart. Just the same as how I would want myself to feel. I want to find the right love I’ve been waiting for. I am hoping for the same thing for you, too. I also would like to concentrate on my new job. I decided to live my life without you this time. I also need to grow with other people and do things apart from you. I know I’ve been so dependent on you the past 4 years, and I want to prove to myself that I can still do things on my own and also make decisions for myself. You know for a fact that I’ve got so many ambitions in life. I don’t get contented; I always want trying out new things. It’s because I am still young and I want to experience everything before I build a family of my own. I always thought it could have been better if I got to spend those times with the one I love. Instead, I was just left with his family and friends, and not with the one I really wanted to be with. You never knew how much it could have meant to me if I shared those moments with you. And you also never knew how much disappointment I felt when you knew you could be there but you opted not to. Since we have different priorities and points of view on life, our interests and goals never jived. I want you to explore and find the right person for you because I’m sure she’s just around, waiting for you. And same goes for me. Hope you understand what I’m trying to say and I wish you’d keep an open mind. I love you so much honey. And I would do anything to make you happy. But I should love myself more this time because the relationship has already caused me a lot of heartache and tears. Again my gratitude for having you in my life is endless. Thank you so much for everything honey. You made me so happy. I’m sorry that I may not be as well-off as you are, my family may not even be as highly regarded as yours, my gifts may not be as expensive as yours, but I believe the best gift I’ve given you was my honesty. I never failed to say the truth, even if most of them were not what you wanted to hear. I only lied when I said curses that you always knew I didn’t mean. I never lied to you about how I felt and I was never unfaithful. That’s one thing I’ll carry on with me until my next relationship/s. You may not have been as honest with me as I was with you, but I want you to change that when the right person comes. I want you to communicate your heart with her, and always assure her of how much you love her. Face your problems, never escape from them by allowing her to think of what she thinks, explain to her what’s wrong and learn to compromise. And above all, put God in the center of your relationship, and your love for each other will never falter. Please don’t worry about me. You should neither feel guilty nor pity me as you leave, because I’m sure we eventually would both be happier with this decision. We just can’t really go on like this forever. Let’s help each other find our happiness. It’s going to be the best gift we can give to each other. Set aside selfishness, because it would never do good to our relationship. Let’s be friends again and live life the way we should. I don’t want us to part having a third party involved. I don’t want to wait until that time comes because I also wouldn’t know how to handle it. It’s better this way that we both agree to make this happen, so we can start a new life freely from here. Let’s do whatever we want and find what’s best for us. Hope you’d give this a thought. I’ll give you enough time to think about it. I’m quite sure you’ve been thinking about this all this time. This is the best time to speak your heart. Thank God I finally realized and fully accepted this. These words I’ll try to keep in mind. Hope we’d get to carry this out in our next relationship/s: I Corinthians 13.4-8a "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends." Don’t forget that I love you so much and I want you to take good care of yourself always. May God bless you in everything you do.

Actually this is not a story, but a letter I want to share with you... A letter to the One that God has prepared for me...I am wondering at this very minute if you are thinking of me, if like me, you are wondering what is taking us so long to find each other. Many times I thought I finally found you only to be disillusioned by the fact that my wait has not yet ended. I get up each morning hoping, dreaming, longing to meet you. I am thinking of how we will meet, would it be as romantic as the ones I have seen in movies? Or is it possible that I have known you all my life but we have yet to realize that we are meant for each other? Oh how I wish you were here right now because you are the only one who has the answers to all my questions. Sometimes I ask myself if I have ever really known "love". I do not have the answer to that question either but I believe that, more often than not, we will never really know what love is until we find that right person.... and since I have not found you yet, then maybe I do not really know what love is! You just don't know how often I dream of finally knowing what it feels like to be in your arms. Even at this very moment I am imagining how you will simply sweep me off my feet! Perhaps I would be drawn to you by your smile, or your eyes, or maybe even how you manage to make me laugh by your silly little ways! I don't really know for sure but I am praying that God will help me recognize you when the right time comes. I think of all the pain that I have gone through in the past and of how much I have cried since the day I began my search. I just wanted you to know that I find my strength in clinging onto my vision of the beautiful life ahead of me --- the life I shall spend with you. In my mind and in my heart I know that you are worth all that pain and sacrifice. After all, the tears have become a part of my life and I believe that they are slowly washing away my flaws so that I would become perfect, not perfect in its truest sense, but perfect --- for YOU! I wonder if you've gone through so much pain as well. I wonder if you've been hurt so many times along the journey. But my dearest one, please don't ever give up because I am right here... patiently waiting for you! I assure you that when we finally find each other I would slowly heal those wounds by my love. At night, I would look out my window and stare at the beautiful sky, hoping that somehow you are also looking up and wondering about me. I utter a silent prayer and send all my cries to the heavens above thinking that in time they would reach you. And when I feel impatient, I just close my eyes and believe that you are on your way and that you are longing to see me as well. It is funny but when I finally fall asleep, it is still you that I think of, for you are always in my dreams. It seems that, for now, that is the only place where I can hold on to you, long enough to tell you how much I love you. In my dreams you would kiss away my fears and wrap me with your arms of love. And this, all the more, makes me want to wake up and face the new day ahead with the hope that soon enough, you will no longer be a dream but a reality and once again I am assured that you are worth the wait. And when that time comes, everything will fall into its place, just as I had imagined, just as I had thought and dreamed, just as I had believed it would be! By then, I would simply look back and smile at all that I have gone through, in spite of the pain and amidst the simple joys of life --- and I would be very thankful because they all led me to you! In the meantime, take care of yourself for me. Hold on to our dream and don't even think of letting go. Believe in your heart that we will find each other no matter what happens. God has planned the course and it is up to us to follow the directions. Don't worry, don't be afraid about getting lost, God saw to it that all the roads, no matter which one you choose to follow, lead to me.

Things I Learned...

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ... That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Love Is...

When you think of your past love you may view it as a failure. But when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher. In the game of love, it doesn’t really matter who won or lost. What is important is you know when to hold on and when to let go!. You know you really love someone when you want him/her to be happy, even if their happiness means that you’re not part of it. Everything happens for the best. If the person you love doesn’t love you back, don’t be afraid to love someone else again, for you’ll never know unless you give it a try. You’ll never love a person you love unless you risk for love. Love strives in hurting. If you don’t get hurt, you don’t learn how to love…love doesn’t hurt all the time. Though the hurting is still there to test you, to help you grow. Don’t find love, let love find you. That’s why it is called falling in-love because you don’t force yourself to fall. You just fall. You cannot finish a book without closing its chapters. If you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages. Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering, and growing. The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go. We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we can love ourselves. On falling out of love, take some time to heal and then get back on the horse. But don’t ever make the same mistake of riding the same one that threw you the first time. To love is to risk rejection; to live is to risk dying, to hope is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing! To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose true self; to love is to risk not to be loved in return How to define love: fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, hurt but never keep the pain. Love is like a knife it can stab the heart or it can curve wonderful images into the soul that always last for a lifetime. Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end. Loving people means giving them the freedom who they choose to be and where they choose to be. For all the heartaches and the tears, for gloomy days and fruitless years, you should give thanks, for you know, that there were the things that helped you grow. Loving someone means giving him the freedom to find his way, whether it leads towards you or away from you. Love is a painful risk to take but the risk must be taken no matter how scary or painful, for only then you’ll experience the fullness of humanity and that is love. Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire and tear you apart. Only love can make you cry and only love knows why. If you’re not ready to cry, if you’re not ready to take the risk, if you’re not ready to feel the pain, then you’re not ready to fall in love. There was a time in our lives when we became afraid to fall in love ‘coz every time we do, we get hurt, and then I figured that’s why it’s called falling in love. When you decided to love, allow it to grow. When you promise to love, refuse to let it die!

Dreaming

Often the truth hurts. But when it's wrong, it's wrong. No matter how right or how good it feels. I look at him and wonder why I'm with him. I sit beside him, shivering, my knees weak and my eyes teary. I say to myself, why me? I could have asked him that if he wasn't holding my hands so tightly, if I weren't enjoying this very moment, if I weren't afraid it might end too soon. I think again and realize that the more appropriate question is, why him? He looks at me and gives me a peck on the cheek. Soon I'll be lost in his embrace, he'll be drowning me with kisses, with promises. And I will be longing for more. He loves me, and I love him. Simple. It feels so right, and yet so wrong. I lay my head on his shoulder, with my eyes shut. I try to breathe in as much of him as I could. His mild scent, his warm breath. Hoping it would be enough to fill me in the days to come. Wishing it would help me remember everything about him and whatever it is that we are having. Silently praying for this bliss to end. Gently. I wait for his reply on the other end. I hear a loud sigh... and I say my final goodbye. I wipe away my tears and look towards heaven. You were right. There is no such thing as a right kind of wrong.

nagising nalang ako isang umaga, naramdaman ko parang may kulang. kumain ako ng almusal, nakausap ko na lahat ng tao sa bahay, pero bakit ganito parang ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko.

pumasok ako sa trabaho nagiisip parin muntik na nga akong matisod sa kakaisip lang nito. tinanong nako ng mga katrabaho ko, ano ba meron sakin bakit ang tamlay ko. sabi ko hindi ko alam, di ko maintindihan. alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na parang may malaking butas sa sarili mo, tipong merong kailangang makapuno? yun ang naramdaman ko nung araw na yun, gusto ko na ngang sumigaw, magwala, malay ko ba kung ano lang ito. pero hindi ko ginawa, hindi naman dapat.

mga bandang tanghali pagkatapos ng tanghalian, tumawag siya, lam mo na siya, yung lalaking minahal ko buong buhay ko pero iniwan ako para sa ibang tao, wala lang nangamusta lang labas daw kami pagkatapos ng trabaho, nagisip ako ng mabuti, kung papayag ako o hindi, naisip ko ano ba namang masama, nasa malayo naman nagtatrabaho ang girlfriend niya, parang malalaman diba?

natapos ang araw sobrang excited ako, sinundo niya ako sa trabaho, kumain kami, nagusap, binalik ang nakaraan, sabi ko nalang wag nang pagusapan may buhay na siya, masaya narin ako sa buhay ko, kaibigan nalang maibibigay ko, ang drama pa nga sabi niya mahal pa daw niya ako, kumpara ba ako sa bago, mas mabait daw ako, mas maintindihin, mas understanding, sabi ko nga aba eh bakit mo sakin sinasabi yan, ano ito bolahan, natawa lang siya kahit hindi nakakatawa, nainis nga ako di ko nalang pinakita, pero kahit na nag usap kami nandun parin yung malaking butas nararamdaman ko parin, hanggang sa naisip ko baka kulang lang ako ng pagtawag sa kanya, pero hindi naman kse madalas ako tumatawag sa kanya, siguro namn kilala niyo na kung sino yun.

naglalakad nakami pauwi, papunta sa auto niya, nakalimutan ko kahit sandali ang kulang na nararamdaman. napatawa pako sa mga biro niya, napalo ko pa nga sa kakatawa. biglang naring ang cellphone ko...kapatid niya umiiyak, sabi ko bakit kasama ko kuya mo, pauwi na kami.

bigla siyang natahimik, tinanong ko bakit, at dahan dahan niyang sinabi..

"pano nangyari yun eh si kuya nadisgrasya, na total wreck sasakyan niya..ate patay na siya"

nabigla ako hindi ko maintindihan pano nangyari na patay na siya eh kasama ko pa???

pag harap ko sa likod ko..nandun parin sha, ganun parin suot niya pero duguan na..napaluha ako, ngumiti lang sha at sinabi na...

"naramdaman mo na ba yung pakiramdam na parang may kulang hindi mo maintindihan kung bakit?"

napa oo nalang ako habang patuloy na lumuluha..

"papunta ako sayo ngayon, dahil gusto kung sabihin na ikaw pala yun, yung kulang sa buhay ko..gusto ko na sana pakasal tayo..pero diba sabi ko naman sayo kahit anong mangyari gusto ko bago ako mamatay ikaw ang nasa tabi ko"

tapos bigla nalang siyang nawala..bumigat lalo pakiramdam ko,napaupo ako sa lapag, wala nalang akong nagawa kung hindi umiyak..bakit kung kailan lahat ng sinabi niya tama sa pandinig ko, hangin nalang ang lahat ng ito...

"People may not remember exactly what you did or what you said but they will always remember how you made them feel"

A Story
I was right. It is really hard to fall in love with someone who’ll hurt you in the end. I fell for my friend, though I never thought I would. But life goes on no matter what takes place, I would have to forget him and somehow move on with my life. It may be hard to move on without him, but if he’s happy with someone else, I’ll have to learn to let go, even if it’s letting go the hard way. We met in junior high, and became indivisible. We were always beside each other, helping one if the other is down. We were like partners: Fred and Wilma, Scooby and Scrappy, milk and cookies. The only difference is that we had our own legend in school. We were Anne and Ben – the most perfect pair. Girls loved him and drooled just to spend a minute with him. And honestly speaking, guys went the same for me. Our friends kept on assuring us that we’d be together till the end, no matter what happens. Though we started only as friends, our friends paired us in everything. Coming home from the high school dance, he finally proposed. He said things like, “I don’t guarantee you that I wouldn’t hurt you because I’m not perfect. I may do things that’ll hurt us both because I only love, but I can guarantee you one thing, I’ll forever love you, and forever keep you safe… as long as you accept me tonight and in time, if I may ever hurt you in any way, I’ll come back, no matter what.” I was left with no words to say, we became “us” that same night. We stayed together for years. No one ever tore us apart and nothing ever changed the way we felt towards the other. I loved him and he did love me, too like life itself. Good times happened and it will forever leave memories behind. His footprints will always be present in my heart. That was what I always kept in mind. A few years after college, he was offered a good job in Canada. A perfect restaurant business offer was what he was waiting for, but we never thought it would be out of the country. The pay, the people, everything seemed right, except for one thing – me. If he’d accept it, I’ll be left here in the Philippines just longing for him each day. But, I loved him too much; enough to set him free and see him someday, if we’re really meant. Destiny was what I called it. A part of him wanted to go, but also a part wanted to stay, but I pushed him to leave. “If we are meant to hold each other at night when it’s cold, if we are meant to take care of one another when we get old, destiny would somehow bring us back together,” I used to say to him. Days after that, he left. As I was watching his plane take off, I remembered all the good times we had. Those, I thought, would never be erased in our hearts. I didn’t let him go because I wanted to hurt him, or I didn’t love him enough. I set him free because I firmly believed that we would, as my friends used to say, come down till the end. For the first few years that he was away, we would always talk on the phone, sharing the events that had happened that day. But, along the way, we lost each other. I didn’t know what to think or even how to feel. My whole life depended on him too much and I didn’t have enough courage to finally say goodbye. Years after, I found out that he was engaged to his partner in his business, and a few days before his wedding day, he came home – with his girl. He came to me and told me the news, apologized, and yes, hurt me. After all the years I’ve learned not to think about him, when he was there, my heart melted. My feelings were too strong just to be forgotten. “What happened?” I asked him, but no response came. “Somehow, we lost track,” he finally said after moments of silence. “I know, why?” “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry, too, but tell me Ben, why?” That night, I had no other choice but to forgive him, and giving him my final hug, tears flowed uncontrollably. Today is his wedding day, and maybe, right now, he is saying his vows to the girl he loves. It is really tough to let go of someone you’ve learned to spend your life with. It’s hard, knowing that in spite of your differences, you’ve made it. But, whatever the reason behind why he just stopped loving me, I would have to accept it. I don’t know if I could ever learn to love again. I don’t even know if I want to. I’m scared of getting hurt, being left one more time. Maybe, I don’t have enough courage to be harmed again. However, I know love works this way. You long for someone you want to spend forever with, you find, you love, you have him, but in time, you lose him then you get hurt. It all goes around in circles. But with Ben, I’ll always have faith in him. Why? Simple… he guaranteed me that.

Setting someone free is a test to a persons love for another. It is really difficult to let go of someone we love. It only becomes easy when there are no more feelings holding us back. Sometimes it is true that the very first person who has taught us the real meaning of unselfish love would always be difficult to forget. Even if that person shows us that he doesn't love us anymore, we would still blindly hold on to the hope someday he would come back and we would be together again. But, more often than not, our first love doesn't become our last. The first heartache often becomes a prelude to another, and then, another. Until we mature emotionally and learn from the pain of our mistakes. Somehow we just thought that we can never find someone who could replaced our love. We want to think that way because we just want our life to revolve around him. But it shouldn't. We just have to accept the fact that the person we want to love has shown no willingness to return our affection. He's probably busy pursuing his interests and you're not one of them anymore. I believed there is always a time for everything. I realized, now is the time to pack all the things that remind me of the bitter past, zip it in a bag, and throw it away where it will be lost forever. I have waited too long. Love, like a seed may be stagnant for a long time. But given the chance, it can settle on a new soil, grow when nurtured and cared for and blossom into a new being. Should i say, give myself this chance to grow. Moving on and find love again.

Letting Go

Letting go of someone you really love and cherish is quite difficult. You'll never know where to acquire the amount of emotional stability and wisdom to achieve this feat. There are times that you still want to hold on and yet you want to end everything. From my own point of view, loves makes you insane. This is one love story that surely touched my heart...kakarelate kasi ako! I believed in second chances, though, some things are just not meant to be...sigh! Kindly read on.... I picked up the phone, and all I heard was the sound of the radio on the other line. “Don’t give up on us baby, we’re still worth one more try…” Dang. Who’s this freak on the other side of the phone? It’s too early for pranks. It’s just 6AM on a freakin’ Sunday! Who is awake by this time? And I really had a lousy night trying to fix my PC. I’m pissed, and this person’s in big trouble. I could look up his number and report him to the police for ‘interference of a peaceful and much-needed sleep’. “Hello?” “Hello, Krystal? Sorry nagising yata kita. Si Jerome ito.” I felt like I was doused with ice cold water. How could I forget the voice? After all these years, it still sounded so sweet. It still has that effect on me. Suddenly, my heart is beating faster. Jerome. How could I not remember? I didn’t just used to know him. I used to love him. “Gusto ko lang marinig ang boses mo. Marinig lang kita, ang tawa mo, sumasaya na ako uli.” I can hear him. He is crying on the other end. Somehow, my heart bleeds for him too. I know what he feels. Because I have been in the same situation – when he left me. We were once an ‘us’. We were the envy of our peers back in highschool. He was THE heartthrob, and I can say I’m not that bad looking either. We had things going for us. I can still remember how in love I was. I can still remember walking in clouds, and believing my own little fairy tales in my own little world. I believed in all his promises – of forevers, and happy endings and love like no other. I loved him so much I could have offered him the world. I was ready to sacrifice anything for him. True, I know he’s a playboy, but I accepted that fact and was even ready to become a martyr if I had to. I loved him so much that nothing else mattered. But as all sob stories go, he left me. And when he left me, he gave me no reasons. He just said it’s over. And for a while there, my life was too. A part of me died, without even knowing why. “Oo nga, ngayon ko lang nare-realize lahat ng ginawa ko. Ang dami kong pagkukulang sa iyo. Totoo nga yung sabi nila, kung kailan wala na sa iyo ang tao, saka mo lang mare realize ang worth nya.” I was a wreck when he left me. It took me years to let the wounds heal. Everyday, I would stay late at school – just watching him in the CAT training they have every afternoon. I’d watch him flirt with other girls. I’d watch in one corner, crying my heart out. I didn’t care if other people thought I was too pathetic. I didn’t care the sight of him being sweet with another girl killed me over again. The sight of him was my only life. “Iba ka. Oo maraming babae, pero iisa ka lang. Wala na akong makikitang tulad mo. Iba kang magmahal. Naalala ko pa kung paano mo ako inaasikaso noon. Naaalala ko kung paano mo ako ipinaglaban sa parents mo.” He left me when my parents knew of our relationship. He was afraid of my parents. And he didn’t want to take responsibility. While I fought for him, he was there, exchanging sweet nothings with another. Highschool passed. When I got into college, the pain was still there. I remember walking back to my dorm every afternoon, secretly hoping that he somehow looked up where I stayed. And went there. And knelt down and said he’s sorry he’s been a jerk. And make it up with me. Then that would make me the happiest girl in the world. But that never came. It remained a dream I secretly wished in my heart. Years passed since he said goodbye, and still no Jerome. And now he calls, after all those years. Pleading for me to go back home to the Philippines. To meet him again. “Ok, theoretical question. Suppose I go home, and we meet again. Then what?” “Pag nagkita tayo uli, at binigyan mo ako ng pagkakataon, di na kita pakakawalan. Alam ko marami akong naging pagkukulang. Babawiin ko lahat yun. Hinding hindi ka na iiyak sa piling ko.” How I’ve longed to hear those words from him! I just know those words would have sent me to heaven and back. How I have longed to hear from him that he wants me. That he needs me. That he loves me. But why did he have to wait this long to tell me all these? “ … … Kung hindi rin lang ikaw, huwag na. Ikaw lang ang hihintayin ko. Ito ang tandaan mo. Kahit anong mangyari, mahal na mahal kita……” “Sige, pahinga ka na uli. Pasensya ka na nagising kita.” Click. The phone rang again. “Krystal? Tumatawag ako kanina pero nobody was picking up the phone.” That’s my boyfriend. The person who has shown me what love really is. The person who has stuck with me all the way through. Who never got tired of me. Who has never made me cry. Who helped me pick up the pieces of my life, and lifted me up when I needed it most. “Sorry. There was some freaky guy who called at 6AM, talked and talked … pero wrong number pala. Sheesh.” I think the conversation with Jerome’s best left here… with me. With every other memory of him stashed away somewhere, in a far corner of my heart.

Greatest Love to Be Lost

This is it, the moment of truth, and the truth that will hurt both of us. Our relationship is getting better, stronger though sometimes we had always argued on something. I know arguing, shortcomings; sometimes lack of understanding is always been part of the so-called “relationships”. I know that this revelation will surely happen, but I never expected this to happen, early as I expected. Yes, two-timer that was I, but I never intended to hurt specially the guy that I learned to love in a process that only he can do. I never want him to leave me. That’s why I kept a secret that only my best friend and I knew. I remember the first day I met him, I just want him to be my friend, but as the day passes by, through e-mails, text, call, chat, I’m starting to fall, I told myself not to, but my feelings for him started to grow and I can’t control it anymore. I never want to take it seriously, but I can’t help myself falling, falling deeply in love with him, considering that we live in an opposite direction and how opposite our personality. So I let myself to get into the relationship that I know from the start was wrong. But what can I do? Only he can make me feel this way. He can easily make me laugh, cry, change my mood. He cared too much for me; he always told me how he truly loves me, which is how I deeply fall for him. I feel the love and care that my boyfriend here never let me. Yes, I know, it is a crime, a sin, for loving them both at a time. I am so happy having him in my life, happiness that I never felt before he came. But still, I am unfair, unfair and selfish for having them both. The feelings I have for him, and everything I told him about me and everything around me is true. The only lie I know that I told him is all about my boyfriend.Yesterday, he told me that he loves me very much, and the truth hurts, first I don’t understand, then he said that it hurts even more to know the you’ve been fooled by the someone, specially the girl he love and cared too much. In a way he talked, I knew he already knew the secret that I am hiding; I plan to hide that secret as long I as can, but the secret revealed. I know somebody told him. He told me that I’ve been fooling him, he told me that I lied to him, he asked me to tell him the TRUTH, Yes the truth hurts and it hurts me even more to know that I’m hurting the one I love by lying to him. At first I never want to, coz I’m just too afraid of losing him. But he plead, I never want him to do that coz he’s breaking my heart. He told me that he want to shout, scream and he’s very angry. Then he called me, he’s crying and begging for the truth, hearing his voice in that situation makes me cry, I want to go where he was and hug him and never let go, but I can’t. I f only I can do anything just to be with him, I will. I know the truth hurts but it will set us free. I told him that I don’t want to lose him; but he said that he will never gave up on me, but I have to tell him the truth. I have to tell him what the truth is. Yes I fooled him, I lied to him, So I let him know that I’m still with my boyfriend. After that, I told him to break up with me, but he never want to, he said that he still loves me and he never want to let go and he’ll never give up. I was so happy when he told me that he still wants me, and loves me even more. He told me that he doesn’t care if I still have my boyfriend. He don’t care anymore, he don’t want to lose me. He doesn’t want me to go. He also wants us to forget everything happened before. And let us start again. I am happy hearing that coming from him, but I know in my heart that I would be so unfair for him again, and I will hurt him more. I can’t bear it anymore, it’s enough that I hurt him once by lying, but I only lied because I love him. It’s enough. I don’t want to hurt him anymore, I don’t want to let go, but I have to. I still hear myself that I am wrong, I really don’t want to let go, but I will keep hurting him though I love him as much as I love myself. Reality made me realize that I can’t have the both of them. Be fair, even if it means hurting me, especially him. Even we’re miles apart. I know that I still have to be fair for both of them, I have to choose, in a battle between heart and conscience, and I fear that it was I who gave the victory over my conscience. I promised him before that I won’t give up, I won’t let go, and I will love him forever, now my promise tend to be broken. It’s my fault; no one has to blame but me. And now I must bear the guilt brought by my actions. I have come to accept that destiny for I know that it is what I deserve for hurting the one being that matters to me most. I am filled with shame, not only for myself, but also for those people who knew the story behind us. If he asked me if I still loved him, there is no doubt about it and I can’t deny it and I know it will never fade. I love him without a doubt it hurts to let go of someone you still love. It’s hard to accept it. It really breaks my heart into pieces. If only I can choose between living in lie with him and living in truth without him, id rather chooses living in a lie as long as I have him. But I hold back. It is my conscience holding me back. Now I’m losing all my happiness as I lose him. Losing all the love that only he can give. Losing everything including myself as I lose him. I’ve got nothing more to lose. This is the hardest decision that I’ve made for my whole life. Leaving him, letting him go. It hurts, but I know it’s the right thing to do. After this, I don’t know. I don’t know how start again; I don’t know how to wake up without him. I don’t know how be strong, I don’t even know how to move on. I only knew that my life wouldn’t be same again. WITHOUT HIM, I WON’T BE THE SAME AGAIN.

So Easy To Say but So Hard to Do

We may have lost something that you wanted so badly but that doesn't mean that you will never have a chance to find it again. Losing love is always a painful process. But, it is also a learning experience. Pain teaches us to be strong and misery shows us that there can be joy in being alone. Happiness and love start from within us. They are things we should not ask others to give us but parts of us we have to share willingly and unselfishly. Let us always remember that true essence of love is not in getting what we want but in giving what we need to make others happy. It's true that a relationship's success doesn't rest only in finding the right person. It is also being the right person. But love sometimes moves in it's own mysterious ways that we can never question. It's something that we just have to openly and unconditionally accept. Leave not to forget but to accept and go not because you want to run away . God has a better plan for each one of us. We just have to trust and believe in Him because He's the only who can help us find a love that will last and a heart we can call our home. ---“Being with you is like being with a part of myself and I just be who and what I am.”

The Reality of Love
You float on air, feel very light, happy expressions pouring. You’ve found the person you’ve been looking for all your life. You’ll share those happy moments; trap them in your memories to cherish in the future. All your life, you’ve waited for this… you have dreamed of this. Moments of sadness are now gone. Feeling loved and content, you continue with your life of joy that seems never-ending. Then it comes, the moment wherein you have to give up the most important thing ever. Your entire dream shatters into pieces; you could not believe this is for real. You would reason out to yourself, saying that this cannot be. You’ll do stupid things, can’t eat, won’t speak, you wallow all day and all night. A line from Dishwalla’s song somewhere in the middle goes like this “when you drink it makes you angry, when I drink I want you more, and more, and more.” Is that the way you were supposed to love? Be a fool for love, and continue even if it means pain? You blame everything including yourself. And then you would wake from all that. You would realize the stupidity of the things you’re doing not only to yourself, but also to the people around you. You would now think using your brain. In loving someone, you should learn how to let go. Learn to leave something for yourself, and the people who love you. The thought that the peep’s leaving you means he/she’s not happy bout the things going between the two of you. Just be happy for the peep, because there are things that are not meant to be and tends to end so fast. Be glad that you were able to love, and be loved back. The best thing to do now is to continue with your life and eventually, you’ll fine someone else to love, then you would be happy. Again.

Getting Over You Getting Over Me
Will I ever get over you? Five years ago, I made a decision that I knew would change my life forever. Back then, I thought that it would make my life better because I was embarking on an entirely new journey. Well, it has enriched me with all the experiences it has provided. But, it has also given me unbelievable pain and sorrow. If I had known back then that this is what would happen to me, would I have made the same decision? Would I have deluded myself into thinking that the choice I was making would be the last of its kind and the first of a different array of choices that I’ve never encountered before? If I say no, that would mean that I regret every single moment that I have spent these past years. If I say yes, then it means I’m accepting the fact that this pain was meant to be; that I had just fooled myself into thinking that there will never be this kind of pain in my life. If that’s the case, then I guess I’m a fool. I’m a fool to have believed that what we had was the lasting kind; the kind that most people only dream of; the kind that you can only find in songs. I’m a fool twice to have given you all the trust that I had, because I thought that you would take care of me the way that I wanted to take care of you. I’m a fool thrice in thinking that you would rather hurt yourself than hurt me, which is what I felt for you. Aaah, but that’s where the irony lies. I would never have felt this deep if I didn’t believe, if I didn’t trust, or if I didn’t have faith. I guess it’s true what they say: you love deeply and hurt just as deeply. A year ago from today, I was probably in one of the happiest moments in my life. I was with you, and we were having the time of our lives in a beautiful place that we traveled to for the first time. We were exploring new places and marveled at the sights before us. You even gave me a gift then, something that I’ll always cherish. But now, we are so far apart that it’s hard to imagine that just a year ago, we were as close as we could ever be. What had happened? What had gone wrong? Is it possible that what we actually had back then was just an illusion, something that couldn’t withstand what life brought to it? Am I that much of an innocent that I wouldn’t know when something was real or not? I was so sure that what we felt was so real that, now that it’s gone, my sense of reality has floundered, because my mind and my heart can’t accept that reality. But I have to accept it eventually, because if I don’t, God knows how I’ll ever survive. Not many people seem to care if I do survive, really. Surprisingly enough, not a single one from the original barkada even wondered if I was ok. Even worse, they kept saying and doing things that made me hurt more, much like rubbing salt to an open wound. It made me realize how little they actually knew me, how our friendship was so superficial. The only ones who noticed are those who I’ve made friends recently, and they cared enough to ask. Whatever scrap of faith I have left is holding on mostly because of hope. Hope that whatever happens, everything will turn out great, or better than I actually wish for. I've always thought of myself as an optimistic person, but this sure has tested myself in ways I never imagined. I can still smile sometimes. The only things that do make me smile are the classes that I teach and my students. It's because when I'm in class, I have no choice but to leave my melancholy behind and put up a brave face. If I don't, my mood will spread like wildfire and my students will never learn anything, and I don't want that. I do not want them to be affected by something that is not of their own doing. It works during the time I have to teach, but of course reality intrudes the moment I step out of the class and I'm back to my introspective mood. Oh well.