Greatest Love to Be Lost

This is it, the moment of truth, and the truth that will hurt both of us. Our relationship is getting better, stronger though sometimes we had always argued on something. I know arguing, shortcomings; sometimes lack of understanding is always been part of the so-called “relationships”. I know that this revelation will surely happen, but I never expected this to happen, early as I expected. Yes, two-timer that was I, but I never intended to hurt specially the guy that I learned to love in a process that only he can do. I never want him to leave me. That’s why I kept a secret that only my best friend and I knew. I remember the first day I met him, I just want him to be my friend, but as the day passes by, through e-mails, text, call, chat, I’m starting to fall, I told myself not to, but my feelings for him started to grow and I can’t control it anymore. I never want to take it seriously, but I can’t help myself falling, falling deeply in love with him, considering that we live in an opposite direction and how opposite our personality. So I let myself to get into the relationship that I know from the start was wrong. But what can I do? Only he can make me feel this way. He can easily make me laugh, cry, change my mood. He cared too much for me; he always told me how he truly loves me, which is how I deeply fall for him. I feel the love and care that my boyfriend here never let me. Yes, I know, it is a crime, a sin, for loving them both at a time. I am so happy having him in my life, happiness that I never felt before he came. But still, I am unfair, unfair and selfish for having them both. The feelings I have for him, and everything I told him about me and everything around me is true. The only lie I know that I told him is all about my boyfriend.Yesterday, he told me that he loves me very much, and the truth hurts, first I don’t understand, then he said that it hurts even more to know the you’ve been fooled by the someone, specially the girl he love and cared too much. In a way he talked, I knew he already knew the secret that I am hiding; I plan to hide that secret as long I as can, but the secret revealed. I know somebody told him. He told me that I’ve been fooling him, he told me that I lied to him, he asked me to tell him the TRUTH, Yes the truth hurts and it hurts me even more to know that I’m hurting the one I love by lying to him. At first I never want to, coz I’m just too afraid of losing him. But he plead, I never want him to do that coz he’s breaking my heart. He told me that he want to shout, scream and he’s very angry. Then he called me, he’s crying and begging for the truth, hearing his voice in that situation makes me cry, I want to go where he was and hug him and never let go, but I can’t. I f only I can do anything just to be with him, I will. I know the truth hurts but it will set us free. I told him that I don’t want to lose him; but he said that he will never gave up on me, but I have to tell him the truth. I have to tell him what the truth is. Yes I fooled him, I lied to him, So I let him know that I’m still with my boyfriend. After that, I told him to break up with me, but he never want to, he said that he still loves me and he never want to let go and he’ll never give up. I was so happy when he told me that he still wants me, and loves me even more. He told me that he doesn’t care if I still have my boyfriend. He don’t care anymore, he don’t want to lose me. He doesn’t want me to go. He also wants us to forget everything happened before. And let us start again. I am happy hearing that coming from him, but I know in my heart that I would be so unfair for him again, and I will hurt him more. I can’t bear it anymore, it’s enough that I hurt him once by lying, but I only lied because I love him. It’s enough. I don’t want to hurt him anymore, I don’t want to let go, but I have to. I still hear myself that I am wrong, I really don’t want to let go, but I will keep hurting him though I love him as much as I love myself. Reality made me realize that I can’t have the both of them. Be fair, even if it means hurting me, especially him. Even we’re miles apart. I know that I still have to be fair for both of them, I have to choose, in a battle between heart and conscience, and I fear that it was I who gave the victory over my conscience. I promised him before that I won’t give up, I won’t let go, and I will love him forever, now my promise tend to be broken. It’s my fault; no one has to blame but me. And now I must bear the guilt brought by my actions. I have come to accept that destiny for I know that it is what I deserve for hurting the one being that matters to me most. I am filled with shame, not only for myself, but also for those people who knew the story behind us. If he asked me if I still loved him, there is no doubt about it and I can’t deny it and I know it will never fade. I love him without a doubt it hurts to let go of someone you still love. It’s hard to accept it. It really breaks my heart into pieces. If only I can choose between living in lie with him and living in truth without him, id rather chooses living in a lie as long as I have him. But I hold back. It is my conscience holding me back. Now I’m losing all my happiness as I lose him. Losing all the love that only he can give. Losing everything including myself as I lose him. I’ve got nothing more to lose. This is the hardest decision that I’ve made for my whole life. Leaving him, letting him go. It hurts, but I know it’s the right thing to do. After this, I don’t know. I don’t know how start again; I don’t know how to wake up without him. I don’t know how be strong, I don’t even know how to move on. I only knew that my life wouldn’t be same again. WITHOUT HIM, I WON’T BE THE SAME AGAIN.