Never In Love

I'm into you. But I was never in love with you.

A smile was all it took for you to captivate my being. You smiled a lot; I noticed it the first time I saw you. I was not quite sure if you ever saw me, though. Since then, just a second of seeing your smile—whether it's up close or from afar, whether it's for me or not— was enough to keep me smiling the whole day. But I was never in love with you. I might've just been too carried away by that Close-up commercial.

Call it pathetic, but I tried following you around school just to find out about your schedule. Not only that, I tried to exhaust every possible source just to get some information about you—your student number (which I've already memorized by heart), your high school, stuff like that. Well, it wasn't such a hard task after all, considering that we belong to the same college and course. Knowing your schedule, I would no longer rely on that thing they call "fate" just to run into you; I would know when and where I could see you. I did all I could just to get to know about you, but you still remained one big mystery to me. To tell you frankly, this was the first time in my life that I did such a thing. But I was never in love with you. I was just trying to explore how it feels like to be a detective, just like in those books I loved to read.

Just to have a "close encounter" with you, I deliberately rode in the same jeep you were riding on your way home, even if it was out of my route. I was lucky enough to be able to sit next to you, and even luckier to get a slight touch of your hand when you were handing over your fare. I found out where you live, or at least where you usually go. I also observed that you had beautiful hands. When you picked up something I dropped, all I could say was "Thanks." As much as I wanted to look you in the eye when I said that word, I just couldn't. I felt my hands trembling, my heart racing. Yet, you had absolutely no idea what was really going on in my mind. I got off sooner than you did, afraid that I might get lost and not find my way home. Just like the detective act I pulled, this was the first time I ever followed someone to a jeep. But I was never in love with you. I was just trying to explore different routes to reach home.

This afternoon, I saw you somewhere near the AS gate (Yes, I knew you would be there at that time). You just passed by. Your eyes didn't even bother to take a look around and see this girl who's been worshipping you from afar. I can't blame you, for I admit that I'm no head turner. But if you could only see beneath these eyes, deep into this soul, maybe you wouldn't bother to take a second, or maybe even a third look. You might, indeed, see that I had always been into you.

But too bad, I was never in love with you… because I never had the chance to.

Forever Loved

I don't know why I loved you. I just remember I was born loving you, and have dedicated all my life trying to pursue the road I've always dreamed of, towards that old city where I'd find you. But like the dream, you're not there at the end.

Having bothered by the dream, desperately I tried to find you. I'm afraid when the time comes that I have set to approach you, you wouldn't be there. At last, there you are, in the province of Ontario. We talked, we chat, and I tried to show caring I never thought I could show any person. What am I doing? I am chasing life... my life.

Oh it's hard to write in tears, in deep emotion, troubled and hopeless.

You're getting married soon, or sooner... what has to become of me? Twenty-two years of dedication compared to eight years of an up-and-down relationship. My wish in life is to have one of those chances to carry you up that even once never came.

Was it my fault? I did send a message that one day I'll be with you but in the meantime, let's prioritize our job - to study. That was ten years ago. I never thought that you'd allow yourself to be taken into a relationship before you finish college. I also loved gazing at history that your mom got married at 28, and so was my dad - childhood friends. I tried to look at patterns and trust on you, I never take things easy, and I planned all along.

Now I don't have much time. All I am waiting is to hear the most painful news on my life and that's for you to take your vows. No matter how I tried to accept it, things have never been easy for me. I always end up crying most of the time, thinking of the possibilities of going back through time and teaching my young and stupid self to do my best protecting you... and loving you.

I am sorry I have failed in keeping your trust. Now you don't seem to read any more of my mails, it's been almost a year since we last talked. When you visited Manila last year I almost died, physically and emotionally. But then again, memories of you saved me. I'd like to see your smile... and I have decided to live just to see you one last time. I almost had it last year but you never even said that you were here. Your last mail to me was to let me know that "you might be closer than I think you are?" - sent after you returned to Toronto. Haven't you figured it out yet? Something in me is related to you. I know how far or near we are with each other, in dreams I could see you.

Darling I'm sorry but I can't give you this what I feel that your asking me to. I promised before, anything... but not you. I can't give you up. Never before... and never will.