Jellybeans Talk [ Mga Kwentong Jellybeans ]
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Regrets
Saturday, October 22, 2005
That year's February 5 however, was too humid and warm to be anything romantic. At 9 am, expecting a cool breeze is like seeing a drizzle of rainbow colored water, yourself in a perfect alternate dimension, or a demi-god prince who has all the power to sweep you off the ground you stand on. Being the optimist, dreamer cum idealist that I am, I tried to expect all of it. I stood unmoving, waiting for the miracle to occur. And it did.
Let's not be silly. Of course there was no sea-fresh breeze, no shower of psychedelic water and no portal to show me my perfect universe either. But there he was. He stood right before my eyes. My demi-god prince who gave me yet another distinct definition for the word levitate.
I would tell myself, twenty-four months from that day: I have officially gone mad. Although I never did deny that fact, I just never thought I would be foolish enough for him.
Come to think of it, he was--is I mean--ordinary. He wore ordinary clothes, had an ordinary hairstyle, and had an ordinary gait. My vision tricked my heart I suppose. Or was it the other way around? It simply makes me miserable thinking how can it be that he had such an extraordinary effect on me?
=====
I stood there that fateful February day, with only two sentences in my mind: "Who is this man? Why am I scared that if I exhale, he will vanish forever?"
Well, I did exhale as nature commands that I should. He did not vanish though, well not in a snap. He did that in a slow fluid execution. One day, he turned his back on me and walked away. Funny how a growing blur can be potently painful.
I knew that was it, like some cartoon light bulb flashing, I knew that was it: the final nail to pierce my heart. In an instant, breathing became synonymous to numbness, alienation, despair. I forgot to smile sincerely, wholeheartedly, honestly. I forgot I was alive. I forgot that happiness was not him entirely.
=====
The first time I saw him, he seemed to be the potential summation of all my happiness. I shamelessly assumed he was the flesh of a promise of some great divine being. I was convinced. I saw beauty. His whole body spoke of confidence and of frank masculinity. His keenly chiseled face encased eyes of an unforgiving shade of brown and lips boasting of familiarity with ways.
Those lips smiled at me. I suppose he doesn't remember. Now I am thinking, the smile may not even be meant for me. That smile may just be a spillover from a pleasant thought. But I held on to that, for two years.
Stupid me.
====
Those two years were nothing short of a roller coaster ride. He was like dessert: soothing, delicious, wicked. Most of the time he was like chemotherapy: hard-core pain, and definitely not a guarantee of cure.
He drove me crazy.
He made me hang on.
But hanging on can be tiring. The sear of unwanted pain becomes a staple. Happy memories fade.
But then again, were they even at all happy?
====
Did I say he wore faded shirts all the time? I liked his red shirt much, the one that turned almost pink with time. I wondered then if he hangs on to his shirts as much as he can hang on to me.
Wishful thinking.
====
We never really got to know each other that well. Yards and meters of space were like an uncontrolled barrier. A great amount of time was spent just looking at each other. Words didn't seem important. It was so romantic.
It sucks big time now.
====
What stopped him?
What stopped me?
====
I want a cigarette. He will be the smoke. He will fade. I will still be here.
I just wonder, is he still there.
====
I have officially gone mad.
I am still waiting.
= = = alchemista bonita
- - sandman
It was the first time in months since you had more than eight hours of sleep. You remember cuddling yourself to dreamland last night right after dinner. It felt damn good to wake up at four in the morning - the sun wasn't in sight yet, the air was sorta chilly, and for the first time, the thought of rushing to school (late) or doing something to beat a deadline didn't occupy your mind upon waking up. It was the second week of September, and though the semester was drawing to a close, things were surprisingly stress-free.
You reached for a book you've been trying to finish for more than a couple of months now. It was a supposedly postmodern, gay novel with scandalous periwinkle blue covers and pictures of two middle-age guys cuddling. You're almost halfway through the book: now you read as the main character and his ex lied in their usual spoon position while listening to some music. Their spoon position.
You felt a sudden twitch of pain.
You remember you also had your usual spoon position. The few times you've slept over at his house, you'd sleep like this. Him hugging you from behind while you both enjoy cozy music from his computer. This was how you'd be positioned before saying your good night's and giving (and getting) your good night kisses. This was how you'd wake up, too - still in his arms, still with the music, still together.
Then Someone decided to join in on the fun. You heard your song being played out loud by your next-door neighbor. Who on earth would be playing such a sappy love song at five in the morning, your inner voice asked. And at this lovely moment too, you sarcastically added.
Unconsciously, you started feeling sad again. Although you'd convinced yourself several times that it wouldn't work, you just couldn't help but feel sorry for the failed relationship. You were pretty positive you made the right decision, and while weeks ago, you were already certain you'd moved on, it still came down to the fact that perhaps there's really no such thing as fully moving on. And that the closest you could get to it was being almost over that person.
Then you received a text message from the person who made it easier for you to let go. He showed you that although love wasn't constantly trouble-free, it doesn't have to be perpetually painful and difficult either. And quite importantly, he was willing to wait. You smiled and prepared to reach for the phone so you could call him up right away. You bookmarked the page where you stopped reading. The song from next door, meanwhile, got stuck.
Pirated, sheesh, you hissed.
The moment he picked up, even before saying hello, you cried, "Thank you!"
And you meant it absolutely.
Minsang gumimik kayo at upbeat ang sounds, hala! sayaw ka kahit parehong Kaliwa nag mga paa mo, pero gusto niyang sumayaw kaya sige sasayaw ka na rin. Kahit ilang mule, arctic at sub-zero ang orderin niya wala kang pakialam, mas mabuti nga kse nga puede mo na siyang akbayan at I-hug pag medio lasing na siya, pag hindi siya pumalag nako! score! para kang nasa langit. Malamang, matapos mo siyang ma-hug eh ayaw mo nang maligo at lagi mong naaalala ang scent ng pabango niya na me halong amoy alcohol na pero para sa yo mabango pa din siya. At siempre tuwing matapos kayong gumimik eh ayaw mo pa rin matapos ang gabi kaya hihirit ka pa ng coffee, kahit isandaan ang isang baso, "So what?!?" kamo, pera lang yan ang importante kasama mo siya.
Masaya ka rin pag na-traffic kayo kse makakapagkuentuhan pa kayo pauwi. Matiyaga mong inaral ang pagda-drive ng manual gamit lang ang isang kamay kse yun isa hawak yun kamay niya o nakadantay sa hita niya habang nagmamaneho ka. Araw-araw magmamakaawa ka na ihatid mo siya at kung puede ka rin niyang Ihatid pauwi, at kung lulusot baka pati lunch eh puede na rin na kayo ang maging lunchmates. Pag me free time ka eh nasa bookstore ka para nagtingin ng mga puedeng ibigay na greeting cards.
Nakalimutan mo na ang barkada mo, para sa yo malaking abala lang sila sa napakagandang lovelife mo kesehodang magtampo pa sila sa yo at magsolian na kayo ng kandila sa inaanak mo sa kanila. At kung aalis man kayo nde ka magkasya sa pagte-text lang sa lab mo, kelangan mong pumunta sa banyo para lang magkarinigan kayo pag tinawagan mo siya at sabihin na nde ka nag-eenjoy at mas gusto mo na siya ang kasama.
Pagdating ng weekend nako para kang intsik! alas dies pa lang ng umaga nasa kanila ka na at me dalang suhol na breakfast para sa nanay niyang nakasimangot dahil natutulog pa ang anak niya eh andun ka na. Pagdating ng gabi kahit antok na antok na siya eh ayaw mo pa ring umuwi, hinihintay mong makatulog siya sa mga bisig mo para makanakaw ka ulit ng kiss. Iniisip mo rin kung kelan ka kaya niya ipapakilala sa friends niya? ,p>Nung kayo na, lahat ng monthsary ice-celebrate niyo, me kasama pang surprise na regalo at date. At nde miminsan mong nabanggit na gusto mo na siyang Pakasalan at wala nang ibang babae sa puso at wala ka nang makikita na katulad niya.
AFTER ONE YEAR
Mahal ang gimik sa bar, mas maganda kung kakain na lang kayo sa Jollibee at manonood ng sine. Wag na kayo magkape, masyadong mahal with matching
comment na "Leche, me ginto ba yan?"
Mas gusto mo nang kasama barkada mo dahil "minsan" lang kayo magkita sa isang linggo.
Pgakahatid mo sa kanya, nagmamadali kang umuwi sa gabi dahil pagod ka na sa trabaho. Pumapasok at umuuwi na siya mag-isa dahil nde mo siya masusundo dahil puyat ka.
Syet! wag ka niyang pipiliting sumayaw at nakakahiya.
Anong tawag? Sa load mong 300, mauubos yun at 1 beses mo lang tinext against 245 na text niya sa yo) at 3 minutes mo siyang natawagan. Naubos ang load mo kakatawag sa mga barkada mo at kaka forward ng joke sa kanila.
Pag weekend mas gusto mong manood na lang ng TV o matulog. Pupunta ka lang pag tumawag na siya at nagmamakaawang dalawin mo naman siya at me suhol na ipinagluto ka niya. Kahit automatic na kotse mo nde mo pa rin makuhang hawakan ang kamay niya habang namamaneho ka.
Magastos ang mga monthsary, kung anniversary niyo nga eh wala kang regalo, monthsary pa?!?
Mag-uusap kayo? Baket me problema ba? Kung wala, isang oras kang manonood ng TV habang siya eh nakatutulog na kahihintay na kausapin mo siya.
Miss na niyang ini-email mo siya,sagot mo? "Jusko naman araw-araw na Tayong nag-uusap ano pa ba naman ang sasabihin ko sa yo? Baka gusto mo pa ng card?!?"
Pag aayain ka niya para gumimik with her friends ang sagot mo? "Utang na loob, kung gusto mong lumabas kasama friends mo ikaw na lang mag-isa at naiilang ako." Pero pag lalabas kayo with your friends umiinit ulo mo pag tahimik siya pag nagjo-joke sila tungkol sa inyo ng ex mo sabay tanong "Nde ka ba nag-eenjoy? Buiset, umuwi na nga lang tayo!" At tungkol naman sa kasal..."Jusko naman, nde mo ba ako maintindihan?!? Wala pa akong pera saka nde ko maiisip yan ngayon! Sana wag ka namang makulit."
Sa lahat ng ito, ngingiti na lang siya, iisipin lahat ng ginagawa mo noong nanliligaw ka pa malamang umaasa pa yun na babalik yun dati sabay buntung-hininga at sabi ng malakas..."Kay sarap ng in-love."
Pero salamat. Salamat kasi for once, kahit hindi mo sinabi, pinaramdam mo naman. Yun nga lang, pinaramdam mo sa maling paraan. Naalala ko pa noong senior high, tinawag mo akong 'easy girl'. Syempre nagalit ako. Tanga lang naman kasi ang pumapayag na tawaging ganoon. Syempre, hindi kita kinibuan for one month. Ang harsh ko nga eh. Kaya ayun, isang buwan ka ring nagmistulang asong susunud-sunod sa akin. Ang kulit mo nga eh. Hindi mo ako tinantanan hangga't hindi ko sinabing 'o sya, sige na, abswelto ka na'. Ang laki ng ngiti mo matapos nun. Talo mo pa ang nanalo ng milyones sa lotto.
Simula nun, palagi mo na akong pinatatawa. Hinahatid mo rin ako sa bahay lalo na kasi palagi akong ginagabi ng uwi galing ng school after ng CMT training natin. Pumupunta ka rin sa bahay kapag weekend. Naalala ko rin yung isang time, tinakot mong babasagin ang mukha ng isang manliligaw kong nangharass sa akin. Ang galing mo nga noon. Kahit payatot ka, nagawa mong syang sindakin. Syempre na-touch ako sa pagiging protective mo. Kaya inisip ko tuloy noon, siguro kaya mo nagawa ang mga bagay na iyon ay dahil gusto mong makabawi sa akin. Ayaw mo ring maglaro ako ng badminton. Baka daw masunog ako o di kaya ay madapa. Napagkamalan tuloy tayong may relasyon ng mga tsismosa at pakialamera nating teachers at schoolmates. Pati parents ko tinanong ako kung ano ka raw ba sa buhay ko. Syempre sinabi ko ang totoo, na magkaibigan lang tayo. Siguro nagsawa rin sila sa kakukulit sa akin kasi after a while tumigil na rin sila sa katatanong. Oo nga pala, muntik pa akong sabunutan ng may crush sa 'yo. Kasi daw inagaw kita sa kanya! Exagg talaga.
Pero alam mo, galit ako sa 'yo. Galit ako nung nalaman kong hindi mo ako pinaglaban, hindi ka nanindigan. Kaya tuloy naiisip ko, hindi ako worth ipaglaban. Bakit, kasalanan ko bang maging mag-bestfriend kayo ng Kuya ko kaya isang sabi lang nya, umurong na kaagad ang buntot mo? Kasalanan ko rin ba kung achiever ako kaya naintimidate ka sa akin? Naiinis ako sa 'yo. Kasi ikaw ang kauna-unahang taong nakapagpa-feel sa akin ng insecurity. Alam mo bang dahil sa 'yo, andami kong naging pagsisisi? Pinagsisihan ko ang pagiging 'prude' ko, ang pagiging smart, ang pagiging achiever, at ang pagiging younger sister ng bestfriend mo.
Pero ngayon alam ko na. Hindi ko dapat sisihin ang sarili ko. Kasi hindi naman ako ang sumuko, hindi ako ang bumitaw. Hanggang ngayon galit pa rin ako sa 'yo. Hindi lang dahil sa mga insecurities na dinulot mo sa akin kundi dahil na rin sa pagiging duwag mo.
Sa maikling panahong iyon, hindi mo siguro batid pero minahal kita. All you had to do was ask me. Sad to say, you never had the guts to do it. Aaminin ko ang totoo, nahihirapan akong mag-move on sa buhay ko kasi deep down, mahal pa rin kita. O ayan, nasabi ko na. But I guess I can never hear your side anymore.
Pero salamat. Salamat sa memories. Siguro maghahanap na lang ako ng kagaya mo. Pero ang hirap nun. Nag-iisa ka lang kasi. Kahit i-scour ko man ang buong kalawakan at mamulot ng remnants ng bulalakaw na pinakakagaya mo, malamang wala akong makitang katulad mo. Pero kung hindi talaga pwede, manunungkit na lang ako ng pinakamalapit na bituin. Isa lang ang sigurado: palagi akong titingala sa kalawakan. Kahit papaano, aasa pa rin akong makita kita kahit sa huling pagkakataon.
Never In Love
I'm into you. But I was never in love with you.
A smile was all it took for you to captivate my being. You smiled a lot; I noticed it the first time I saw you. I was not quite sure if you ever saw me, though. Since then, just a second of seeing your smile—whether it's up close or from afar, whether it's for me or not— was enough to keep me smiling the whole day. But I was never in love with you. I might've just been too carried away by that Close-up commercial.
Call it pathetic, but I tried following you around school just to find out about your schedule. Not only that, I tried to exhaust every possible source just to get some information about you—your student number (which I've already memorized by heart), your high school, stuff like that. Well, it wasn't such a hard task after all, considering that we belong to the same college and course. Knowing your schedule, I would no longer rely on that thing they call "fate" just to run into you; I would know when and where I could see you. I did all I could just to get to know about you, but you still remained one big mystery to me. To tell you frankly, this was the first time in my life that I did such a thing. But I was never in love with you. I was just trying to explore how it feels like to be a detective, just like in those books I loved to read.
Just to have a "close encounter" with you, I deliberately rode in the same jeep you were riding on your way home, even if it was out of my route. I was lucky enough to be able to sit next to you, and even luckier to get a slight touch of your hand when you were handing over your fare. I found out where you live, or at least where you usually go. I also observed that you had beautiful hands. When you picked up something I dropped, all I could say was "Thanks." As much as I wanted to look you in the eye when I said that word, I just couldn't. I felt my hands trembling, my heart racing. Yet, you had absolutely no idea what was really going on in my mind. I got off sooner than you did, afraid that I might get lost and not find my way home. Just like the detective act I pulled, this was the first time I ever followed someone to a jeep. But I was never in love with you. I was just trying to explore different routes to reach home.
This afternoon, I saw you somewhere near the AS gate (Yes, I knew you would be there at that time). You just passed by. Your eyes didn't even bother to take a look around and see this girl who's been worshipping you from afar. I can't blame you, for I admit that I'm no head turner. But if you could only see beneath these eyes, deep into this soul, maybe you wouldn't bother to take a second, or maybe even a third look. You might, indeed, see that I had always been into you.
But too bad, I was never in love with you… because I never had the chance to.
Forever Loved
I don't know why I loved you. I just remember I was born loving you, and have dedicated all my life trying to pursue the road I've always dreamed of, towards that old city where I'd find you. But like the dream, you're not there at the end.
Having bothered by the dream, desperately I tried to find you. I'm afraid when the time comes that I have set to approach you, you wouldn't be there. At last, there you are, in the province of Ontario. We talked, we chat, and I tried to show caring I never thought I could show any person. What am I doing? I am chasing life... my life.
Oh it's hard to write in tears, in deep emotion, troubled and hopeless.
You're getting married soon, or sooner... what has to become of me? Twenty-two years of dedication compared to eight years of an up-and-down relationship. My wish in life is to have one of those chances to carry you up that even once never came.
Was it my fault? I did send a message that one day I'll be with you but in the meantime, let's prioritize our job - to study. That was ten years ago. I never thought that you'd allow yourself to be taken into a relationship before you finish college. I also loved gazing at history that your mom got married at 28, and so was my dad - childhood friends. I tried to look at patterns and trust on you, I never take things easy, and I planned all along.
Now I don't have much time. All I am waiting is to hear the most painful news on my life and that's for you to take your vows. No matter how I tried to accept it, things have never been easy for me. I always end up crying most of the time, thinking of the possibilities of going back through time and teaching my young and stupid self to do my best protecting you... and loving you.
I am sorry I have failed in keeping your trust. Now you don't seem to read any more of my mails, it's been almost a year since we last talked. When you visited Manila last year I almost died, physically and emotionally. But then again, memories of you saved me. I'd like to see your smile... and I have decided to live just to see you one last time. I almost had it last year but you never even said that you were here. Your last mail to me was to let me know that "you might be closer than I think you are?" - sent after you returned to Toronto. Haven't you figured it out yet? Something in me is related to you. I know how far or near we are with each other, in dreams I could see you.
Darling I'm sorry but I can't give you this what I feel that your asking me to. I promised before, anything... but not you. I can't give you up. Never before... and never will.
I remember waiting for my life to get easier. I thought, “When I have less problems, then I’ll be happy!”
Then I noticed something fascinating. The happiest people I knew had more problems than I did!
Maybe you have noticed the same thing - that people who seem to get the most out of life have often had it tough. They have lost loved ones, they’ve gone broke, they’ve suffered major illnesses – and most likely, they still have big problems! But they are happy because at some point they decided “happy” is the only way to live.
Happiness doesn’t just happen to you, like some “accident”. It is something you choose.
I was recently chatting on radio in Cleveland, Ohio, with a lady called Rena. Rena said to me, “I just got divorced, I am currently being sued, my house just burned down and now my doctors tell me that my cancer has returned for the third time.” But she said, “You know, amongst all this, I am happy!”
Rena was saying, “You don’t find happiness in the absence of problems, you find it in spite of your problems!” You choose it.
If you wake up saying, “I hope I have a good day, and then I'll be happy”, you never will be.
IN A NUTSHELL
You make the choice to be happy first. Happiness is a daily decision.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned ... That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
nagising nalang ako isang umaga, naramdaman ko parang may kulang. kumain ako ng almusal, nakausap ko na lahat ng tao sa bahay, pero bakit ganito parang ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko.
pumasok ako sa trabaho nagiisip parin muntik na nga akong matisod sa kakaisip lang nito. tinanong nako ng mga katrabaho ko, ano ba meron sakin bakit ang tamlay ko. sabi ko hindi ko alam, di ko maintindihan. alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na parang may malaking butas sa sarili mo, tipong merong kailangang makapuno? yun ang naramdaman ko nung araw na yun, gusto ko na ngang sumigaw, magwala, malay ko ba kung ano lang ito. pero hindi ko ginawa, hindi naman dapat.
mga bandang tanghali pagkatapos ng tanghalian, tumawag siya, lam mo na siya, yung lalaking minahal ko buong buhay ko pero iniwan ako para sa ibang tao, wala lang nangamusta lang labas daw kami pagkatapos ng trabaho, nagisip ako ng mabuti, kung papayag ako o hindi, naisip ko ano ba namang masama, nasa malayo naman nagtatrabaho ang girlfriend niya, parang malalaman diba?
natapos ang araw sobrang excited ako, sinundo niya ako sa trabaho, kumain kami, nagusap, binalik ang nakaraan, sabi ko nalang wag nang pagusapan may buhay na siya, masaya narin ako sa buhay ko, kaibigan nalang maibibigay ko, ang drama pa nga sabi niya mahal pa daw niya ako, kumpara ba ako sa bago, mas mabait daw ako, mas maintindihin, mas understanding, sabi ko nga aba eh bakit mo sakin sinasabi yan, ano ito bolahan, natawa lang siya kahit hindi nakakatawa, nainis nga ako di ko nalang pinakita, pero kahit na nag usap kami nandun parin yung malaking butas nararamdaman ko parin, hanggang sa naisip ko baka kulang lang ako ng pagtawag sa kanya, pero hindi naman kse madalas ako tumatawag sa kanya, siguro namn kilala niyo na kung sino yun.
naglalakad nakami pauwi, papunta sa auto niya, nakalimutan ko kahit sandali ang kulang na nararamdaman. napatawa pako sa mga biro niya, napalo ko pa nga sa kakatawa. biglang naring ang cellphone ko...kapatid niya umiiyak, sabi ko bakit kasama ko kuya mo, pauwi na kami.
bigla siyang natahimik, tinanong ko bakit, at dahan dahan niyang sinabi..
"pano nangyari yun eh si kuya nadisgrasya, na total wreck sasakyan niya..ate patay na siya"
nabigla ako hindi ko maintindihan pano nangyari na patay na siya eh kasama ko pa???
pag harap ko sa likod ko..nandun parin sha, ganun parin suot niya pero duguan na..napaluha ako, ngumiti lang sha at sinabi na...
"naramdaman mo na ba yung pakiramdam na parang may kulang hindi mo maintindihan kung bakit?"
napa oo nalang ako habang patuloy na lumuluha..
"papunta ako sayo ngayon, dahil gusto kung sabihin na ikaw pala yun, yung kulang sa buhay ko..gusto ko na sana pakasal tayo..pero diba sabi ko naman sayo kahit anong mangyari gusto ko bago ako mamatay ikaw ang nasa tabi ko"
tapos bigla nalang siyang nawala..bumigat lalo pakiramdam ko,napaupo ako sa lapag, wala nalang akong nagawa kung hindi umiyak..bakit kung kailan lahat ng sinabi niya tama sa pandinig ko, hangin nalang ang lahat ng ito...
"People may not remember exactly what you did or what you said but they will always remember how you made them feel"
I was right. It is really hard to fall in love with someone who’ll hurt you in the end. I fell for my friend, though I never thought I would. But life goes on no matter what takes place, I would have to forget him and somehow move on with my life. It may be hard to move on without him, but if he’s happy with someone else, I’ll have to learn to let go, even if it’s letting go the hard way. We met in junior high, and became indivisible. We were always beside each other, helping one if the other is down. We were like partners: Fred and Wilma, Scooby and Scrappy, milk and cookies. The only difference is that we had our own legend in school. We were Anne and Ben – the most perfect pair. Girls loved him and drooled just to spend a minute with him. And honestly speaking, guys went the same for me. Our friends kept on assuring us that we’d be together till the end, no matter what happens. Though we started only as friends, our friends paired us in everything. Coming home from the high school dance, he finally proposed. He said things like, “I don’t guarantee you that I wouldn’t hurt you because I’m not perfect. I may do things that’ll hurt us both because I only love, but I can guarantee you one thing, I’ll forever love you, and forever keep you safe… as long as you accept me tonight and in time, if I may ever hurt you in any way, I’ll come back, no matter what.” I was left with no words to say, we became “us” that same night. We stayed together for years. No one ever tore us apart and nothing ever changed the way we felt towards the other. I loved him and he did love me, too like life itself. Good times happened and it will forever leave memories behind. His footprints will always be present in my heart. That was what I always kept in mind. A few years after college, he was offered a good job in Canada. A perfect restaurant business offer was what he was waiting for, but we never thought it would be out of the country. The pay, the people, everything seemed right, except for one thing – me. If he’d accept it, I’ll be left here in the Philippines just longing for him each day. But, I loved him too much; enough to set him free and see him someday, if we’re really meant. Destiny was what I called it. A part of him wanted to go, but also a part wanted to stay, but I pushed him to leave. “If we are meant to hold each other at night when it’s cold, if we are meant to take care of one another when we get old, destiny would somehow bring us back together,” I used to say to him. Days after that, he left. As I was watching his plane take off, I remembered all the good times we had. Those, I thought, would never be erased in our hearts. I didn’t let him go because I wanted to hurt him, or I didn’t love him enough. I set him free because I firmly believed that we would, as my friends used to say, come down till the end. For the first few years that he was away, we would always talk on the phone, sharing the events that had happened that day. But, along the way, we lost each other. I didn’t know what to think or even how to feel. My whole life depended on him too much and I didn’t have enough courage to finally say goodbye. Years after, I found out that he was engaged to his partner in his business, and a few days before his wedding day, he came home – with his girl. He came to me and told me the news, apologized, and yes, hurt me. After all the years I’ve learned not to think about him, when he was there, my heart melted. My feelings were too strong just to be forgotten. “What happened?” I asked him, but no response came. “Somehow, we lost track,” he finally said after moments of silence. “I know, why?” “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry, too, but tell me Ben, why?” That night, I had no other choice but to forgive him, and giving him my final hug, tears flowed uncontrollably. Today is his wedding day, and maybe, right now, he is saying his vows to the girl he loves. It is really tough to let go of someone you’ve learned to spend your life with. It’s hard, knowing that in spite of your differences, you’ve made it. But, whatever the reason behind why he just stopped loving me, I would have to accept it. I don’t know if I could ever learn to love again. I don’t even know if I want to. I’m scared of getting hurt, being left one more time. Maybe, I don’t have enough courage to be harmed again. However, I know love works this way. You long for someone you want to spend forever with, you find, you love, you have him, but in time, you lose him then you get hurt. It all goes around in circles. But with Ben, I’ll always have faith in him. Why? Simple… he guaranteed me that.