Commitment or Denial

Where is the line that separates commitment and denial? How do I know if I’m working hard to make “us” work or that I’m just ignoring the part that as early as now we can tell that we weren’t meant to be together? And the time we had was special and wonderful and filled with memories that I will always cherish. But most of all it was also a learning experience that everything that happened between us no matter how special and meaningful was too premature for me to think that maybe… just maybe… you were that person who would make me forget about self-preservation, risk getting hurt, enjoy being in-love. Like the time when I was missing you terribly and I kept calling you just to say hello, listen to your voice, hear you talk about your latest thoughts. I missed you terribly that it hurt physically and then you encouraged me to go out and date around. My own boyfriend is encouraging me to date around? Huh? Was that suppose to be a sign of your open mindedness and maturity or were you simply telling me that what we have was a waste of my time? Go look for somebody else other than me. Or were you just afraid that I’d follow the footsteps of your second girlfriend who found somebody else when you had a long distance relationship, just like the one we are having now? You say that after two failed attempts, you can’t help but be pessimistic about relationships. You say that my being the first time to have a boyfriend makes me full of idealism not reality. That I should still keep myself open to others. But why should I be punished for your two failed relationships?… I would think that past experiences should help you take care of your current relationships, not push them away. Why can’t you understand that it’s you I want to be with now? That I don’t want to be open to other people when we’re still together. But I let that pass. I let that go. I tried to understand you and I really did. I still do. And then there was the time when I was explaining how my feelings grew even more now that we were apart. That my attachment and longing for you became even stronger even if you were half a world away and a 12-hour time difference makes it hard for us to keep in touch. Then you said that your feelings were stronger when we were together because you did not want to allow your feelings to grow knowing that I was far from you. Here I was ready to risk getting hurt… allowing myself to miss you… love you even if we were apart… trusting that you missed me as much as I missed you. And you were playing it safe?? But I let that pass. I let that go. After all, who was I to demand that you risk your feelings for me? That should be your choice, your call not mine. And now you tell me that you think our differences will prove harder for us to make this relationship work in the long run. Did I not tell you at the very beginning that there were so many reasons why we should not be together? That we had so many differences it would be complicated to get involved? But still you pursued me. And now just when I think that despite our differences, I still want and I still choose to be with you, you tell me that we have so many differences it will eventually break us apart. Should I let that pass too? Should I let that go too? I ask what you want. You tell me that you still want us to be together. Let the predetermined take its course. Where is the line that separates commitment and denial? How do I know if I’m working hard to make “us” work or that I’m just ignoring the part that as early as now we can tell that we weren’t meant to be together? And the time we had was special and wonderful and filled with memories that I will always cherish. But most of all it was also a learning experience that everything that happened between us no matter how special and meaningful was too premature for me to think that maybe… just maybe… you were that person who would make me forget about self-preservation, risk getting hurt, enjoy being in-love. Just when I thought that you were the exceptional force that would break down my defenses and allow me to love unconditionally, totally… completely… you wake me up with your words. And now I feel safe again back in the comfort of my indifference. I fail to understand why I still feel this great attachment and longing for you but I will let those feelings remain… for now. You are right. Let the predetermined take its course. For in my indifference, I know you can never hurt me anymore.